Happy survival day

Antiversary day.....and I am strangely okay. I didn't say great mind you but I am okay.  It is survival day-rejoicing in that survival. And I have grown in the last year...a lot...

Prior to a year ago, my husband could turn anything around and make me feel guilty about my opinion, and I think I forgot what my opinion felt like. I always...yes always..caved.

He called last night and kind of went that same direction (on purpose?? I don't know but it doesn't matter). He was in a bad place yesterday-too much going on in life for a man whose only stress coping skills have  included escaping by running to FUSTC, or his job, or beer, or, or, or....anything but whatever is causing the stress. And he was kind of a jerk....not kind of. He was a jerk.

And I stood up.

I. stood. up. Loud and proud (in a good way lol). Strong in my stance. Not in the hopes of changing him but in understanding who I am and what is important to me-and learning what I can and cannot live with in my husband. What I do with that is entirely up to me. I do not HAVE to live like this anymore. I love him and want to stay married to him and fix all the broken but I don't HAVE to. I am free, not chained to a life I where I am just along for the ride. I stood up.

And him seeing that growth in me, sent him back pedaling and apologizing.

Happy survival day. F-you antiversary day. F-you.

Broken hearts all around

Driving 4 hours round trip to watch my precious grandson play football and I got a phone call. My mother in law is in the hospital and it doesn't look good.

 No more round trip today. I won't be going home tonight after football.  No clothes, no toothbrush, no PILLOW but my brother in law says it doesn't look good.

Well they may not have been clean 24 hours later, but I obviously had my big girl panties on.  My mother in law (or outlaw as I have been known to call her) has been wretched to me on occasion....many occasions...many,many, many occasions. But I am sad. She is my family. My brother in laws,their wives and kids are my family. I love them even in the middle of this crazy family.  So with a sick, nervous stomach I went to see her today at the hospital.

And my heart broke.

She hugged me and sobbed and told me she loved me. I fed her lunch. I tried to calm her when the hallucinations came. We laughed and cried and she never even flirted with wretched and my heart broke. She talked about her boys. She loves her boys. She idolizes her boys. My husband has always been her pride and joy but I saw something today that would kill him. In the middle of laughing, when his name came up, sorrow crossed her face, tears poured down her cheeks. More than once. Just a passing reference to him and there was that sorrow shadow over her face.

He has broken his momma's heart as well.

And she is ill...very ill. And you know what? So is he-in a totally different way. In sickness and in health...is this the kind of sickness God had in mind?.uggg. My brother in law hugged me for the longest time before I left.  He is mad at his brother. Did HE even have the slightest clue how many people he would hurt? The wake of destruction he would leave behind his selfish choices?? Nope he couldn't see past his newly self destructive crazy to think about anyone else. The irony in all this.....he is more broken and sick than anyone....and my heart breaks. And this is survival weekend. And I wore my big girls panties even as my heart breaks.

Happy Survival Weekend

Antiversary weekend. Oh joy. The 29th is 3 days away. I understand the phrase 'swirling the drain' in a whole new way. I am tired of hating her. I am trying to forget her. I am tired of turmoil in my life. I am tired of believing what my husband says......until that moment I doubt everything. I am tired. I am alone this weekend (on purpose). What do I do with myself?? I don't want to wallow. I want to to live in THIS moment. But I feel like I am swirling the darn drain, completely out of control of my emotions and sadness and memories and......and honestly I am thankful for so many things. It is such a strange place to be-suffocating in hurt and yet recognizing how blessed I am that I have a God who is absolutely holding me up, blessing me in ways that only He knows how. I am blessed. Really. Well maybe that is what I need to focus on this weekend. Screw (no pun intended...or maybe a little pun intended ahaha) what happened and celebrate the fact I survived the last year and just keep remembering that when I think I can't survive the next. God is faithful. He will never leave me. He will never forsake me. Happy survival weekend......

Picasso at a garage sale...

So I am a stinking mess and I want to call him....and her but I WILL NOT... so I am going to blog TO them, mostly him, but they will never see it. Just you will. Please don't judge. Please have grace on me. Just listen and be my shoulder to cry on, my friend in this pit from hell I find myself in.....can you do that?

Dear husband.,
I am a Picasso you put out at a garage sale for $.50. That doesn't make me less of a Picasso. I am fine china, but you look at me like a Dixie cup ( not even a red solo cup). It's my birthday. And I deserve to be cherished not just on that day but everyday because I am a gift to you from the Most High God. A gift. A blessing. A precious treasure. The fact that I am an after thought at best to you doesn't change my value. Doesn't change who I am and Whom I belong to. I REFUSE to thnk of myself as less than God made me ANYMORE. She is not better than me. She is nothing. She was a cum bucket, a sperm whale, a sorry excuse for a human being and I WILLNOT be consumed with hate for her anymore. You have broken my heart, crushed it, shredded it,  mutilated it.....but you know what, it is still beating. And my God makes beauty from ashes,restores the most broken of souls. My God is bigger than you and your piss poor perspective. He loves me. Truly loves me. Such a loss for you. Picasso at a garage sale for $.50. Oh the treasure given to you, but you were too blind to see. I am sad, broken, in pieces BUT it doesn't change my value in the hands of the Great Physician. In the grand scheme of things, you have thrown away so much and just destroyed yourself. But I am not destroyed. Joy WILL come in the morning. How sad for you to miss it.....

With ice...

Sooooooo I am a week and a half away from the antiversary. I am 4 days away from my birthday. I don't have to work  for the next 4 days. Hence.......I am drunk. Well maybe not drunk....tipsy and I have to pee. Costco grapefruit margarita tonight. Alone....pathetic. I am so filled with hate and....conviction to forgive. I don't want to. I want to hurt her but realize I can never ever ever hurt her a fraction of how much her actions contributed to my hurt. I don't want to hate her anymore. She is gum on the bottom of my shoe. She was just a symptom of a broken man, if not her it would have been someone else.she was just a cum bucket, an escape for a weak man who couldn't face reality. Yet a year later, when her name pops up as following me on Pintrest, I lose it. Why? Why would she still be stalking me?? What does she hope to see? I need to be free of this hate. It is eating me alive and doing NOTHING to her. And so tonight I drink....too much. And hate my life. And am sad. And cussing.
Antiversary wish? Forget she exists. Forget this date. Not hurt anymore. Or geez, less than almost all the time.....
Birthday wish?? Be happy again. Have a life again. Not be pathetic anymore.....dang which wish to choose......I choose costco grapefruit margarita. With ice.

I miss him.

I want to call him. I want to knock on his door. I want to tell him how much I love him, how much I miss him and our life. We really were good. Really. And I miss him and I love him and I REFUSE TO LET HIM SEE IT. so I pathetically tell you. Whoever you are. I miss him....

Just a side note.

I am a Christian. I believe whole heartedly in Jesus and His dying and being resurrected and saving my sorry self from hell. I really do. In the past year since DDAy, I have started to cuss like a sailor. I'm not proud of it. But it is something I do. Too much. I am sorry if those two facts together offend you. Really. I know I shouldn't use the language I do these days. It honestly feels therapeutic to me. And I am all about therapeutic. And to be honest, there are just not better words to describe life right now. When I say them, they are not empty.....if that counts for anything. I will try to work on it and praise Jesus (really) for covering this sin for me. Please show me the same grace. And don't be offended. I'm trying to heal. Really....

What do you call her??

So I read blogs everyday. I definitely have my favorites but discovering new ones all the time. Recently on marriagerecoveryblog, a conversation was had about what to call the affair partner, the other woman, etc.  Both of these seem so civilized and acceptable. Mmmmmm fucking someone's husband, destroying a family, being just a cunt who shouldn't breathe air is not civilized...so there were different offerings of names for her. I found GREAT comic relief in this exercise.  Let me just name a few for you.....mine has been FUSTC (pronounced fus-tee-see) which means fucking ugly stanky cunt. Some others were bit on the side, pig shit, skank, skunked, dirtbag, whore, CUNT (post DDay when I had her cell number, I made that her name in my phone book-but it didn't describe her well enough...hence FUSTC), pit faced whore (saying this one kinda makes me smile-gotta admit), ever ready jenny (sadly this one fits her as well, I will never like or be friends with anyone named Jenn-with two N's don't forget orJennifer in my lifetime). Well today someone posted their favorites and they have made me smile uncontrollably and actually guffaw.

Are you ready?

Are you sure?


Cum dumpster or sperm whale. Bwahahahahahaha I tear up laughing as I type. Wait. No crying. This is funny. Fucking funny. Dammit. I hate my life.

What do you call her??

Where am I??

My first week of work is over. It was good. I am flipping tired but it was really good. What do I call my husband? Douche bag? Asswipe? Fucktard? Ugggg my dang love..... Anyway, me and what's his name have had great conversations this week. He has been my biggest cheerleader. He has encouraged me, checked on me, told me how proud he is of me etc etc. Well now my dang work week is over and .......I just want to cry. What if he is with IT right now? What if he is exactly the same, living the same double life and I am just the biggest fool in the world?? How will I ever know? How am I supposed to keep moving forward? Why would he keep lying when I have begged him to just let me go if that life is what he wants, begged him to never ever pull this crap again...and the trouble is (is it trouble?) when I talk to him, I wholeheartedly believe he has repented and turned from that life and is sick about that life and those choices, and then.......I doubt. Because my mind is not occupied elsewhere. Is this going to be my life forever? Limbo? Heartbreak? Fear? I used to KNOW he loved me. That I was the only person he would ever love. That I without ever thinking about it could trust him with my life. Now......I don't know where I go. Hopefully not bat shit crazy. I want my life back. I miss my life. I miss my husband.  I miss my dang best friend. I miss my innocence and naïveté. I miss my family.  I miss me, whoever the hell that was, because she is MIA forever I fear. I miss laughing. I miss French kissing. I miss the smell of his chest. I vomit at the fact that IT knows that smell and either misses it too or is still smelling it! I miss having him to talk to about everything. I can't talk to him about all this crap-at least not to the extent I need to. He is half of me. I am the other half and I think a part of me has literally died and the part that's left just hurts. Crap. Crap. Crap.  I hate this. I hate it.

Go me!

Soooooo I started my new job today. My first REAL job in 25 years. And I killed it. And that was REALLY good for me.  And.......he was proud of me. Dang it.....

Pat, pat, pat.

I am a mess. If there is a single person out there who ever reads my rantings knows I am a mess. In the middle of my heartache though, I see growth happening. I made plans for my birthday APART from him. I will NOT sit around waiting, hoping to be a priority in his life anymore. That is the pathetic me, waiting for crumbs from him. I am healing away from that person. No one to pat me on the back. I will pat myself on the back. Good job Ella. Good job.