Tell me how please

One week until Christmas. One week. I think I can. I think I can said the little engine that could. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.....

He flew to see me this weekend. It was nice....and confusing. I don't know where to go from here. From his perspective, he is healing. And with actions, missing the snot out of me. From my perspective, healing stalled when he left me. Healing took a leap off the high dive into a pool without water. Healing....what does that look like?

I am stronger and more independent. A check on the positive side.

I am cynical. I am numb. I feel like I am drowning in apathy. Ummm ya check on the negative side.

Wine. Wine is my friend.   BIG check on the negative side....or positive I guess depending on your perspective.

Will I ever belong anywhere again?  Did I ever really belong in the first place?? Will I ever feel 'home' again?? Wanna know when I feel the closest to that?? When f-tard gets on a plane to see me...when he is sitting next to me for just a few hours. Wanna know when I feel most alone and afraid of my future?? When f-tard gets on a plane to see me....

How does anyone truly survive this?? Is it all fake and outward show?? Are you really, I mean really, alive inside and capable of joy, love....trust??? Tell me please. Is it possible??

unapologetically me....

Dear friends and family,

I know you are sick of hearing my sadness. I'm sick of my sadness. It's way more fun to laugh and be joyful. Way. More. Fun. I did not choose this life. The most important person in my life walked out and I have survived so if you feel the need to go too.....well go.

I cannot fake happiness. I cannot pretend to be in the Christmas spirit. I am not Eyeore, crying woe is me. My life looks nothing like I imagined it ever would. And it IS sad and awful and heartbreaking, and, and, and.....

In this season of family, mine is destroyed. In this season of memories, mine are all tainted. In this season, I am sadder than I was just a month ago.The jury is still out on whether or not I will ever be happy again. So ho,ho, ho....if you need to go. Go. Just don't  stay and expect me to fake it for you. Fake is a lie. Yup, had enough lies and I won't do it.

Just know, I am trying. Praying. Trusting God for each breath. Doing my best to see all the blessings He has given me. And you are one of them. I am trying. I am surviving. I am growing stronger. But I will never be the same.  Never. And yes, I am just sad.

I hope you don't have to go. But I understand you may need to. It's okay.

Ella

La Crema for lunch......on Sunday.

I went to church with my sister today.

Then I drank a bottle of wine for lunch. 

How awful am I? 

Too much to drink on a Sunday afternoon.

I suck.

Hugely.

But I cannot cope with my life.

 I miss my husband.

I miss my best friend.

 I miss my the father of my babies. 

I miss him.

I cannot breathe today.

Damn it....

I miss him so much I cannot breathe today. 

 La crema for lunch.

And I am an awful person. 

Damn it. I miss him.

Thus. La Crema for lunch.....after church

I AM AWFUL...

Tomorrow, Shmomorrow

So I just realized something. I am living the same life I have lived the past few years, only without the lie in my head that I am loved and happily married. I can't live this way anymore. ...eating up the crumbs from his table, believing every tiny morsel of hope yet ignoring the elephant of neglect.

What does this mean?

Do I want a divorce?? No. I cannot say that.

Do I want to move back in with him? No and no again. Will not do that either.

So what does this mean?

I do not know.  I am just praying....a lot. And though I have no idea what God is doing in his heart, I do see the changes in my own. And honestly, I don't know how I feel about those changes.

Would I be better off without him, even though I made a covenant promise to God for forever? Yet God says he broke that promise and in God's love for me, I can divorce him.

Am I doubting that God can restore anything-no matter how broken??

No. I KNOW that God can restore this marriage to what HE intended all along and I really think He wants to.

All that said, He also gave my husband free will and maybe He is protecting me, sheltering me, loving me BY ending this marriage??

Confused.

So today, I will worry about today. It has enough of its own stinking worries.

Can I get an amen? ...and some help actually doing that please??

November Rain

It is November.....which means holidays and memories of holidays. Aside from the past few years, I have loved the holidays.

 My favorite memories of all time are when our kids-even up to (legally :) ) adulthood, would both come lay in our bed with us. Our legs and bodies all pretzeled so we would fit. We giggled and talked and just loved each other. The whole world stopped during those moments. I would give about anything to have a moment like that again. Pure joy.

This year, I am alone.

My kids on the other side of the world. My love is in another state. Yes, I have family here and I am so grateful to be close to them. I am totally aware they are God's gift of grace to me during this time. But they have families, and their own 'moments' to have.

 And I miss my family.

And my moments.

I have questioned whether it ever really existed but with some healing and some time since my world exploded, I, without a doubt, KNOW we did exist.

 My husband took a ridiculously awful wrong turn and the consequences seem to never end BUT before all that-we had a good life...sometimes great life.

 I miss it.

And I miss him.  A lot.

Get ready Ella, here come the holidays.

Call me Callie??

Haven't written in a while. Sick of always sounding like a whiny baby. It's been a tough week and well I need someone to talk to about it. So here I am, hopefully not whining too much but talking to friends.

Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? This week Callie and Arizona took a 'break'. At the beginning, Arizona was pushing for it, breaking Callie's heart... Again. By the end, Arizona realized what she had done, and Callie, much to even her own surprise, didn't want to come back....and I was cheering for her. Go Callie! And of all the fans of this dumb show, I may be the only one cheering...

I feel like that could be where my heart is heading and it scares me. I have prayed and prayed for God's will in this situation-knowing He, of course, wants me to stay married to my husband and fix this mess.  Well it dawned on me, He knows things I don't and maybe NOT going back is His will. Maybe it is His protection. Maybe I  want that marriage I thought I had, that love I thought I had, that security I thought I had, but by my husbands free choices, it is just not going to happen......and did I ever really have it??

He talks about getting help but it's just lip service-does absolutely nothing to find it. He lives in another state. He says I need to learn to have an opinion yet what he means is I need to loudly and proudly state HIS opinion and never really my own. He wants to call me on the way home from work  everyday to show me how committed he is-yet when he was leading his double life, he did the same darn thing. Side note-zippers zipped, ring on finger AND heart, fighting like hell for me and our marriage and our family-those are just a few things that show actual commitment. I will never grow to trust him with him there and me here. We would have to be together for that. Well I am not moving back there in the foreseeable future, if ever. I have that sick feeling in my stomach-which could just be just last nights dinner.....or it could be intuition I ignored while his disgusting affair was going on. How will I ever know? Will I ever be willing to risk getting THAT knock on the door or THAT phone call or see THAT on his cell phone again? Today I just don't know. I just don't know. And this scares me.

He is God's son

He is God 's son. His will be done.

This is how I have started to pray. I need rest. I need comfort. I need to rest in my Father's arms. I am His daughter. He is his son. His will is the absolute best for both of us. And I need rest. Peace. And only He gives me both. Will you pray for my husband and I too? Pray for His will? Thanks. Really.

Betrayed Wives' Club-thank you for putting my heart to words

From one of my favorite blogs... Betrayed Wives' Club. Mmmm so powerful.  Her words came from my soul!!

How Trauma Breaks Open Our Story

People usually only come to this frontier when they have had a terrible loss in their life or they've been fired or some other trauma breaks open their story.  Then they can't tell that story anymore... they hit present reality with such impact that they break apart on contact with the true circumstance."
~David Whyte

They hit present reality with such impact that they break apart on contact. Sound like you? It sure as hell sounds like me.
I hit the reality of my husband's cheating with such impact that I shattered.
And it's hard, when you're shattered, to recognize that this breaking apart might, one day, be exactly what you needed. It's damn near impossible to understand that it's only when trauma has broken open your story that you're able to write a new chapter.
From my stop farther down the road, however, I can see that my husband's cheating – the trauma from that betrayal – meant that I couldn't keep telling myself the story I had been. It meant that, once I was able to pull myself back together, I had to admit that my story wasn't entirely based on fact. It was up to me to begin writing my own rather than let others dictate it to me.
Until then, my story had gone something like this:

I married a wonderful, principled man who adored me. We had three wonderful healthy children. Life was good, better than I expected or, frankly, deserved. The end.

What I tended to ignore because it didn't fit with the storyline I wanted desperately to believe was that it disappointed me when he wasn't able to acknowledge the casual cruelty of his family towards me.
It hurt me when I felt emotionally abandoned after the birth of our first child.
I felt invisible when I would express fairly mundane needs (please walk the dogs in the morning, please have breakfast with me instead of sleeping in...) and he wouldn't. (Hismodus operandi, which he'd used for years with his own family, was to agree to whatever they wanted and then do what HE wanted. I, a firm believer in taking people at their word, took years to see what he was doing. Which might mean I'm either a) a hopeless optimist or b) kinda stupid.)
And it was confusing to me when, sometimes, I felt like a blow-up doll during sex. As if I – a fully present human me – wasn't supposed to be there, and certainly wasn't supposed to have my own needs.
But by not allowing those truths to be part of my story, I was living a fiction. The fiction of my adoring wonderful husband who would never-not-EVER cheat on me.

Shattered.
Broken Open.

In the wake of that breaking open, we begin writing our new story.
I realized fairly quickly that my marriage hadn't been quite so polished and perfect as I had wanted to believe. I could see just how broken I was even before his betrayal completely shattered me. One of the hugest revelations for me was to recognize just how much I'd already betrayed myself.
I had assumed that my needs were less important than everyone else in the family.
I had accepted that, if his family rejected me on some level, it was because I wasn't deserving of their love.
I had been living my long-held deep conviction that I wasn't enough.
I accepted love that was, frankly, not so great and told myself it was more than I deserved.

As I healed, I began writing my true story.
And in this new story that has emerged, I am learning that I am enough. Have always been. Always will be.
I am learning that, in a healthy relationship, nobody's needs trump another's. That we all matter and can negotiate a family in which that's the guiding principle.
I can now spot the myriad ways in which I betray myself. My clue is a spark of resentment (which, left unexamined, grows to a roaring house fire of anger). When I begin to hear the voice in my head muttering "look how much I do", and "I'm exhausted!", and "why doesn't he...", and "why won't they...", I know it's time to take good look at how I'm NOT taking care of myself. When you hear yourself saying one thing when your heart and soul are screaming another, you're betraying yourself.
But what's clear to me is that all of this stuff, these rich lessons that have shaped my life in wonderful ways and deepened my relationships to friends and family and my children, arose out of my shattered self, my broken story.
It can be hard to see when you're surrounded by wreckage. It can feel like warmed-over platitudes ("out of suffering comes wisdom") that make you want to bash in the face of anyone offering them up.
But it was through my broken story that I gained the control to change the narrative of my own life into something that is far more likely to give me a satisfying ending. An ending, of course, to be determined.

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My cousin Mke

My cousin Mike. I love my cousin Mike. He lives across the country from me. We are one year, almost exactly, apart. We went 20 years. without getting to see each other and when we did....it was like we had never been apart. I love my cousin Mike.

His birthday was Sunday. He turned 49. And his 20 year old son was killed by a drunk driver. Happy birthday sweet Mike.  I cannot imagine his heartache. I cannot fathom how he is even breathing. I cannot imagine.

I wonder what their last conversation was like. Hopefully filled with love and laughter....and more love.....and zero regret.

Because my sweet cousin Mike will never, ever, ever get to have another last conversation with his baby.  Never. I cannot imagine....

What is my last conversation like with my loved ones?

I lost another cousin a year ago totally unexpectedly to brain cancer-found out one week, dead the next. I was so struck by that. You just don't know when people will be taken.

I hope everyone I love, KNOW how much I love them. I hope I have told you. I hope I have showed you. I hope you love......and forgive....each other. And then love more and more and more.  You REALLY may never get another chance. Really....never...another chance..... Please know I love you. Please please love each other.

And please pray for my cousin Mike.

Happy survival day

Antiversary day.....and I am strangely okay. I didn't say great mind you but I am okay.  It is survival day-rejoicing in that survival. And I have grown in the last year...a lot...

Prior to a year ago, my husband could turn anything around and make me feel guilty about my opinion, and I think I forgot what my opinion felt like. I always...yes always..caved.

He called last night and kind of went that same direction (on purpose?? I don't know but it doesn't matter). He was in a bad place yesterday-too much going on in life for a man whose only stress coping skills have  included escaping by running to FUSTC, or his job, or beer, or, or, or....anything but whatever is causing the stress. And he was kind of a jerk....not kind of. He was a jerk.

And I stood up.

I. stood. up. Loud and proud (in a good way lol). Strong in my stance. Not in the hopes of changing him but in understanding who I am and what is important to me-and learning what I can and cannot live with in my husband. What I do with that is entirely up to me. I do not HAVE to live like this anymore. I love him and want to stay married to him and fix all the broken but I don't HAVE to. I am free, not chained to a life I where I am just along for the ride. I stood up.

And him seeing that growth in me, sent him back pedaling and apologizing.

Happy survival day. F-you antiversary day. F-you.

Broken hearts all around

Driving 4 hours round trip to watch my precious grandson play football and I got a phone call. My mother in law is in the hospital and it doesn't look good.

 No more round trip today. I won't be going home tonight after football.  No clothes, no toothbrush, no PILLOW but my brother in law says it doesn't look good.

Well they may not have been clean 24 hours later, but I obviously had my big girl panties on.  My mother in law (or outlaw as I have been known to call her) has been wretched to me on occasion....many occasions...many,many, many occasions. But I am sad. She is my family. My brother in laws,their wives and kids are my family. I love them even in the middle of this crazy family.  So with a sick, nervous stomach I went to see her today at the hospital.

And my heart broke.

She hugged me and sobbed and told me she loved me. I fed her lunch. I tried to calm her when the hallucinations came. We laughed and cried and she never even flirted with wretched and my heart broke. She talked about her boys. She loves her boys. She idolizes her boys. My husband has always been her pride and joy but I saw something today that would kill him. In the middle of laughing, when his name came up, sorrow crossed her face, tears poured down her cheeks. More than once. Just a passing reference to him and there was that sorrow shadow over her face.

He has broken his momma's heart as well.

And she is ill...very ill. And you know what? So is he-in a totally different way. In sickness and in health...is this the kind of sickness God had in mind?.uggg. My brother in law hugged me for the longest time before I left.  He is mad at his brother. Did HE even have the slightest clue how many people he would hurt? The wake of destruction he would leave behind his selfish choices?? Nope he couldn't see past his newly self destructive crazy to think about anyone else. The irony in all this.....he is more broken and sick than anyone....and my heart breaks. And this is survival weekend. And I wore my big girls panties even as my heart breaks.

Happy Survival Weekend

Antiversary weekend. Oh joy. The 29th is 3 days away. I understand the phrase 'swirling the drain' in a whole new way. I am tired of hating her. I am trying to forget her. I am tired of turmoil in my life. I am tired of believing what my husband says......until that moment I doubt everything. I am tired. I am alone this weekend (on purpose). What do I do with myself?? I don't want to wallow. I want to to live in THIS moment. But I feel like I am swirling the darn drain, completely out of control of my emotions and sadness and memories and......and honestly I am thankful for so many things. It is such a strange place to be-suffocating in hurt and yet recognizing how blessed I am that I have a God who is absolutely holding me up, blessing me in ways that only He knows how. I am blessed. Really. Well maybe that is what I need to focus on this weekend. Screw (no pun intended...or maybe a little pun intended ahaha) what happened and celebrate the fact I survived the last year and just keep remembering that when I think I can't survive the next. God is faithful. He will never leave me. He will never forsake me. Happy survival weekend......

Picasso at a garage sale...

So I am a stinking mess and I want to call him....and her but I WILL NOT... so I am going to blog TO them, mostly him, but they will never see it. Just you will. Please don't judge. Please have grace on me. Just listen and be my shoulder to cry on, my friend in this pit from hell I find myself in.....can you do that?

Dear husband.,
I am a Picasso you put out at a garage sale for $.50. That doesn't make me less of a Picasso. I am fine china, but you look at me like a Dixie cup ( not even a red solo cup). It's my birthday. And I deserve to be cherished not just on that day but everyday because I am a gift to you from the Most High God. A gift. A blessing. A precious treasure. The fact that I am an after thought at best to you doesn't change my value. Doesn't change who I am and Whom I belong to. I REFUSE to thnk of myself as less than God made me ANYMORE. She is not better than me. She is nothing. She was a cum bucket, a sperm whale, a sorry excuse for a human being and I WILLNOT be consumed with hate for her anymore. You have broken my heart, crushed it, shredded it,  mutilated it.....but you know what, it is still beating. And my God makes beauty from ashes,restores the most broken of souls. My God is bigger than you and your piss poor perspective. He loves me. Truly loves me. Such a loss for you. Picasso at a garage sale for $.50. Oh the treasure given to you, but you were too blind to see. I am sad, broken, in pieces BUT it doesn't change my value in the hands of the Great Physician. In the grand scheme of things, you have thrown away so much and just destroyed yourself. But I am not destroyed. Joy WILL come in the morning. How sad for you to miss it.....

With ice...

Sooooooo I am a week and a half away from the antiversary. I am 4 days away from my birthday. I don't have to work  for the next 4 days. Hence.......I am drunk. Well maybe not drunk....tipsy and I have to pee. Costco grapefruit margarita tonight. Alone....pathetic. I am so filled with hate and....conviction to forgive. I don't want to. I want to hurt her but realize I can never ever ever hurt her a fraction of how much her actions contributed to my hurt. I don't want to hate her anymore. She is gum on the bottom of my shoe. She was just a symptom of a broken man, if not her it would have been someone else.she was just a cum bucket, an escape for a weak man who couldn't face reality. Yet a year later, when her name pops up as following me on Pintrest, I lose it. Why? Why would she still be stalking me?? What does she hope to see? I need to be free of this hate. It is eating me alive and doing NOTHING to her. And so tonight I drink....too much. And hate my life. And am sad. And cussing.
Antiversary wish? Forget she exists. Forget this date. Not hurt anymore. Or geez, less than almost all the time.....
Birthday wish?? Be happy again. Have a life again. Not be pathetic anymore.....dang which wish to choose......I choose costco grapefruit margarita. With ice.

I miss him.

I want to call him. I want to knock on his door. I want to tell him how much I love him, how much I miss him and our life. We really were good. Really. And I miss him and I love him and I REFUSE TO LET HIM SEE IT. so I pathetically tell you. Whoever you are. I miss him....

Just a side note.

I am a Christian. I believe whole heartedly in Jesus and His dying and being resurrected and saving my sorry self from hell. I really do. In the past year since DDAy, I have started to cuss like a sailor. I'm not proud of it. But it is something I do. Too much. I am sorry if those two facts together offend you. Really. I know I shouldn't use the language I do these days. It honestly feels therapeutic to me. And I am all about therapeutic. And to be honest, there are just not better words to describe life right now. When I say them, they are not empty.....if that counts for anything. I will try to work on it and praise Jesus (really) for covering this sin for me. Please show me the same grace. And don't be offended. I'm trying to heal. Really....

What do you call her??

So I read blogs everyday. I definitely have my favorites but discovering new ones all the time. Recently on marriagerecoveryblog, a conversation was had about what to call the affair partner, the other woman, etc.  Both of these seem so civilized and acceptable. Mmmmmm fucking someone's husband, destroying a family, being just a cunt who shouldn't breathe air is not civilized...so there were different offerings of names for her. I found GREAT comic relief in this exercise.  Let me just name a few for you.....mine has been FUSTC (pronounced fus-tee-see) which means fucking ugly stanky cunt. Some others were bit on the side, pig shit, skank, skunked, dirtbag, whore, CUNT (post DDay when I had her cell number, I made that her name in my phone book-but it didn't describe her well enough...hence FUSTC), pit faced whore (saying this one kinda makes me smile-gotta admit), ever ready jenny (sadly this one fits her as well, I will never like or be friends with anyone named Jenn-with two N's don't forget orJennifer in my lifetime). Well today someone posted their favorites and they have made me smile uncontrollably and actually guffaw.

Are you ready?

Are you sure?


Cum dumpster or sperm whale. Bwahahahahahaha I tear up laughing as I type. Wait. No crying. This is funny. Fucking funny. Dammit. I hate my life.

What do you call her??

Where am I??

My first week of work is over. It was good. I am flipping tired but it was really good. What do I call my husband? Douche bag? Asswipe? Fucktard? Ugggg my dang love..... Anyway, me and what's his name have had great conversations this week. He has been my biggest cheerleader. He has encouraged me, checked on me, told me how proud he is of me etc etc. Well now my dang work week is over and .......I just want to cry. What if he is with IT right now? What if he is exactly the same, living the same double life and I am just the biggest fool in the world?? How will I ever know? How am I supposed to keep moving forward? Why would he keep lying when I have begged him to just let me go if that life is what he wants, begged him to never ever pull this crap again...and the trouble is (is it trouble?) when I talk to him, I wholeheartedly believe he has repented and turned from that life and is sick about that life and those choices, and then.......I doubt. Because my mind is not occupied elsewhere. Is this going to be my life forever? Limbo? Heartbreak? Fear? I used to KNOW he loved me. That I was the only person he would ever love. That I without ever thinking about it could trust him with my life. Now......I don't know where I go. Hopefully not bat shit crazy. I want my life back. I miss my life. I miss my husband.  I miss my dang best friend. I miss my innocence and naïveté. I miss my family.  I miss me, whoever the hell that was, because she is MIA forever I fear. I miss laughing. I miss French kissing. I miss the smell of his chest. I vomit at the fact that IT knows that smell and either misses it too or is still smelling it! I miss having him to talk to about everything. I can't talk to him about all this crap-at least not to the extent I need to. He is half of me. I am the other half and I think a part of me has literally died and the part that's left just hurts. Crap. Crap. Crap.  I hate this. I hate it.

Go me!

Soooooo I started my new job today. My first REAL job in 25 years. And I killed it. And that was REALLY good for me.  And.......he was proud of me. Dang it.....

Pat, pat, pat.

I am a mess. If there is a single person out there who ever reads my rantings knows I am a mess. In the middle of my heartache though, I see growth happening. I made plans for my birthday APART from him. I will NOT sit around waiting, hoping to be a priority in his life anymore. That is the pathetic me, waiting for crumbs from him. I am healing away from that person. No one to pat me on the back. I will pat myself on the back. Good job Ella. Good job.

Rainbows and butterflies

Construction is done on my place.....well at least the big messy stuff. Everything is put away FINALLY and cleaned up. I start work in just over a week. I made plans for my birthday that don't include him. Sitting in the front yard breathing ocean air with my sweatshirt on, a dog in my lap, another at my feet, a glass of wine, Trader Joe's white cheddar popcorn (dinner of champions right there). I am starting over. Two feet in....yet my heart is breaking. Will I have to fake this life forever? Will I ever have joy again? Uggggg.....both feet into this new life, Lord please let my heart follow.

Pinot anyone?

He is coming to see me today. Driving 350 miles to see me. How do I feel about this? Excited, filled with dread, incredibly sad, nervous, ......tired.  He has made it clear he doesn't want any deep conversation just to hang out and be in each other's company. I am actually more than fine with the no deep conversation part. We talk on the phone everyday and have deep conversation all the time. Life is heavy. I do not want to beat a dead horse! But .....am I his buddy? Am I the key to his kids? Am I his wife who he misses and loves? Ya, I may have an impossible weekend. Pinot anyone?

Seconds of peace.

I need to find happy. Not sure where to look!! I feel crazy and sad and so alone. But in reality, I am not crazy or alone, just sad. And I need to learn to live in the moments...okay that might be a stretch.....the seconds that I am not sad. The second when I feel the ocean breeze and the sunshine on my face. The second my dog wiggles because I am his favorite person on the planet and truly loves me until death do us part. The moment when my granddaughter falls asleep rocking with me and stays there for two hours.....and she is two! Gifts of grace from a God who loves me and is faithful even when no one else is, who promises to never leave or forsake me, and straight up keeps me breathing. Forget happy. I need to remember joy and thankfulness for all of God's grace. Open my eyes to those seconds...and pretty soon they will turn into moments....and who knows maybe hours, days, etc.....ah but right now I will take the seconds.

Except...

What do I want to do with my life? What do I want my life to look like? Well I can't go back and start over but I do sort of have that opportunity now. A new life. A new chance to do it right, to go for my dreams..... Except I can't remember my dreams. I can't remember what it feels like to not be dead inside. I can't remember what it feels like to genuinely laugh, heck, genuinely smile. Are there any real people out there who have more than just survived this but are thriving and whole again? If they exist, Lord please put one in my path. I need to know how they did it! Need them to hold my hand as I learn this new dance. Never mind. I don't want to need anyone to hold my hand again!! Lord, help me learn to stand alone, dream, imagine, DO, on my own leaning only on You! Oh and genuinely smile without my heart breaking underneath, too. Am I being greedy now??

Don't assume I am stupid.

You know when your kid is being a total asshole and you are COMPLETELY aware and angry and frustrated and want to ring their little necks and then.......somebody says to you that your kid is being an asshole??  A switch flips in you. This is your precious baby. Who in the f... do they think they are saying that about this person who is literally a part of your being?? High and mighty. What? Do they think their kids are perfect? Phhhhsssstttt. I could give them a million ways they are the stinking pot calling the kettle black. Yup. Pretty much my life, except it is my husband not my kids.
Do you think I am the stupidest person on the planet? Do you think I am so naive that I just automatically believe every word out of his mouth? I'm not. I don't. But he is half of me. He is my family-according to God, shoot-according to my broken heart, more my family and priority than any other living being. My head is not buried in the sand. My eyes are WIDE open to what he is capable of. My world is shattered and I am just trying to breathe and figure out what to do next. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if he is the biggest liar, fraud, piece of crap to ever walk the earth OR if at this point he is REALLY trying to fix whatever is broken. It doesn't f-ing matter. I need to worry about me. I need to figure out how to be. Just be. Me. All by myself. Do you understand I have NEVER been on my own? Never. Do you understand I don't have a marketable job resume? Tell me to 'be confident', okay POOF... Nope doesn't work that way. I'm doing the best I can. Ha and maybe some days I am not but isn't that my decision? Do you get that it takes strength beyond what you can fathom to breathe and shower and get dressed right now? Strength. Really. Like you have no freaking clue how you would respond or feel unless you were in my shoes. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what the next five minutes hold. I love my husband. Not going to apologize for that. I love him. Does that mean I can have a future with him? I don't know. But am I allowed to figure any of this out?? Can I do that without you talking about me? Without feeling like I need to stand up for him....not even him necessarily just my right to decide and figure this out? I can't decide today. I am happy that I kept breathing today. I, me, I, I, I, have to figure out survival much less the future and who is or isn't going to be a part of it. I spent 30 years of my life with him. I need to figure out how to be ME, whoever the hell that is, apart from him before I can ever even consider the future. I need you right now. I NEED YOU. And yet I want to be in a cave somewhere. Alone. Just me and God.
Ahhhh but it don't freaking know how.
Help Lord Jesus. Help. Please.

Does a tree falling in the woods make noise if no one is there to hear it?

What if he is telling the truth? What if he REALLYdid need me out of the way for him to be able to focus and work on himself? I hear changes in him, in his thinking, in his perspective. I am afraid he isn't telling the truth. I am afraid he is. I want to be married to him-under better circumstances-with trust, joy, love, respect. I want to be free of the weight of his betrayal. I miss him but I don't really want to see him. I certainly don't want to be in the same house .....or zip code as him right now. I am afraid. Everyone on 'my side' (can't ANYONE understand 'our side' IS 'my side'? Argh- save that rant for another post!) just assumes he is lying about why we are apart right now. Assumes he is still cheating. Assumes he is lying to me. What if he is telling the truth?? Crap. What if he is??

August 3, 1985

August 3, 1985. 29 years ago I went on a first date with the most amazing guy.  He had the biggest heart, deep character, respect, manners.....and he loved me with a very pure, honest, to the core, forever, safe kind of love. He was the best man I have ever known.

August 3, 2014. 29 years later, I am here, alone, heartbroken with a giant question mark over my whole life. In my naïveté, I still believe he is a good man. Am I crazy?  Is he REALLY a good man who made awful, wicked, destructive, evil evil evil choices or have I just been naive, stupid, BLIND my whole life?? I choose to believe he is a good man. That first date led to a life I loved, to a family I miss terribly, to smiles and laughter and tears and heartbreak that we endured TOGETHER. I don't regret my life or my choice to go on that first date. I don't regret going on the second, or the thousandth. Where did we get so lost and how in the heck did I miss it??

Damn. Today might suck.

Angry Alice

At the beach. Feeling lighter. Feeling pissed off! This is really a first. I have spent so much of the last 10 months being devastated and heartbroken I forgot to be pissed off. Well hello Angry Alice. I am pissed off. I have lived basically 2 places in my life...until the last 4 years. In the last 4 years, I have moved 7 times. Count them SEVEN FREAKING TIMES!  I was following my love, my life all over the country, for 'his job' when in reality I think some of it was just trying to escape the double life he created and didn't know how to get out of.  Unpacked my last box. Thinking if God allows, I may just be here awhile. The ocean sounds, smells, breezes all make me breathe easier. None of this is my doing. None of it. Contrary to what my mother in law says- it doesn't take two. Takes two to have problems. Every marriage has problems. I naively believed I had an exceptional marriage even in the middle of ours. HA! BUT it only takes one to be a coward and turn to a FUSTC instead of your beloved. Nope Grandma, it only takes one. He ALONE destroyed my family. And I am mad. And at the beach. And breathing a bit easier. Angry Alice sounds a little schizo but in reality I think she might be healthy. Welcome Alice. Welcome.

Taking the high road...tomorrow

Have I mentioned lately that jennifer.conditt.is.a.whore? First Pintrest stalking my daughter's recipes. Now fake Instagram accounts to follow only people that connect back to me-like the Kevin Bacon game. Following my kids, my kids friends,my pastor in another state, my sister's aunt-in-law, my parents, my 12 year old niece??  She is freaking cra cra.... Kids? MY KIDS??

And he REALLY doesn't want her.  Is so disgusted with what he has done, he has turned into a train wreck.

Watched my girl take a stand yesterday without inviting Jerry Springer to the table. It was empowering for her, which was empowering for me. The high road is so much more dignified. But here on my own personal blog space,  for a moment, I get to tell the world (or at least the random couple of strangers who may read this) that jennifer.conditt.is.a.whore. And freaking cra cra. ...and ugly...on the inside which is the worst kind of ugly....no fugly. FUGLY on the inside.

Going to the Beach

A week and a half until the beach. And a fresh start.....by myself. I am so afraid. I don't want to leave my husband here. But he left me. I see his heart breaking as he does it. But he is still going going gone. I love the dumb ass. I want to spend my life with the dumb ass. I want to heal. And healing may mean I never get to be with him again. Which breaks my heart more, if that is possible. A week and a half until I walk away from my husband. A week and a half.

Chillin at the beach...

Moving. I hate it. Yes HATE it. Packing again. Moving again. Truly thought this was it for awhile. Never expected to be moving again 6 months later. 6 months. This time I'm moving to my very own place. MY place. Never had a MY place before. It kind of sucks-I wanted OUR place forever. Mine and my beloved's. But you know what-I intend to have flowers and prettiness and girl smells....and big girl panties and big girl drinks and big girl attitude....on the beach. I can do this. I WILL do this. I will.

T & D....and pinot

I'm a drunk texter. Maybe I'm just a drunk. That would suck. Hopefully I'm just a temporary occasional drunk. Damn it. One thing for sure is that I am a mess. Aside from my husband who has basically killed me, I have had the same best friend for 20+ years. When I decided to try to forgive my husband and work things out with him she disappeared. Left me like he did. And tonight, drunk...I am missing her so much I can't stand it. And I drunk texted her.  She is the perfect Christian....not really but she kind of thinks she is. And I am a hot damn mess. And I miss my best friend. I need my best friend. Both of them. Damn it damn it damn it......

Maybe

The gift that keeps on giving......hurt upon hurt upon hurt and then.......hurt.  I may not survive this!! Every aspect of my life is upside down, back flipped, spun dizzy, and spewing vomit everywhere all while continuing to be more upside down, back flipped.....this is the song that never ends.

I am moving 400 miles away from my husband. My husband. I want him to stay my husband, and I am moving 400 miles away from him. I hate moving. I hate starting over. I hate being married, alone. No friends, no familiar grocery store or streets.  But I will have the ocean. Familiar. Comforting. Maybe God is giving me a respite by the sea. Maybe I will come out on the other side of this whole, healed, ready for my life. Maybe I will still get to be a wife to my husband. My husband. Whatever happens, God will get me thru. No maybe.

No More Man TV

Plan B. I am not a plan b type person. I know God hates divorce. I know God wants me to stay married. I absolutely know that He can heal, restore, make better than I could ever dream or imagine. That is plan a.  But since I have no control over other people, I just may have to accept plan B. Long walks hand in hand with.....my dog. Cooking that special meal for....myself.  Christmas morning....ugg can't look at that one yet. Always getting to pick the movie. Always controlling the remote. The only dirty underwear I have to wash are mine. Wanna go to early church-I can. Late church-yep I can. Quiet. Peace and quiet.....okay maybe can't face all that quiet yet either. My point is God knows I don't want plan b. He knows I want what He wants. And wherever this awful world takes me, He is there. Always. And while I have never felt so alone in all my life, He is with me, comforting me, protecting me, walking with me. So while I am not a plan b person, God is going to walk thru it with me....and on the other side, it may just be full of blessing, better than I could have ever dreamed or imagined.

Nurse Ratchet go to hell

Sick twisted me took myself to a movie this afternoon. Can you guess which one?? The Other freaking Woman. It was funny. It was pathetically sad. The airhead oblivious naive stupid wife? Yep,just like a caricature of me-except the part where she becomes a successful business woman in the end...I'll be the crazy freeway underpass lady.
Oh and did I mention while I was escaping for 5 friggin minutes the world fell apart MORE than it already was?? Family talking to family. Family angry texting my husband. Yes the only people I can confide in. Yes the husband who doesn't want me. Yes I am so alone. So pathetically alone....all made more freaking clear while I was in a movie trying to escape what is already unescapable....
Anyone have a hole in a rock I can rent cheap??
And by the way, namedeletedtoprotectinnocentsNOT-HER.is.a.whore was more like nurse ratchet than freaking Cameron Diaz. I hate her.

Party by the pool....

Self destruct much?? I may be having a nervous breakdown. I am a mess. My kids (grown up, yes, but still my babies) know everything. More details than I wanted to even remember. Before they knew, I thought I was thankful they were grown and not little ones having to deal with this. But since they are grown, they have grown up questions. And now they have grown up answers.
What does a nervous breakdown look like?? I may be having one.

Slowest of the herd

'Slowest moving of the herd' describes her perfectly. She was nothing special. She wasn't anything better than me. She was convenient and just as broken as him. And yes I still think she is a FUSTC (fucking, ugly, stanky cunt....pronounced fus-tee-see...it's a noun. Or an adjective. Whatever.) but I L.O.V.E. this description of her. Or how about this one-'symptom-like the bloody cough from tuberculosis.' She hasn't killed us. If we are truly dead, my husband's brokenness killed us. Not FUSTC or me.....and unlike her, pathetic, sorry ass, I have no shame. I have no guilt. Uggg just hate...

Swimming in a pile....

Everyday I need to find the pony in the pile of horse shit piled on top of me. -a quote from a blog I love (Betrayed Wive's Club). His choices will not define me. He cheated on me-which was entirely about him and nothing about me.  I am not a victim. I am a survivor under a pile of horse shit. Living well is the best revenge. Lord, help me live (truly live) again.

Dear Fucktard,

You told me you didn't love me anymore. Then you told me you couldn't just let go of me because you loved me thru the whole dirty, nasty, disgusting, life sucking affair.
You told me you were sorry and would spend the rest of your life working to fix what you had done, with bone deep commitment to me and our marriage. Six months in? You moved out and can't understand why I won't give you kudos for how hard you've worked the last six months.
You let me leave my family, friends, church, home, MY LIFE knowing full well your dick was elsewhere.....and after I gave up everything, except you of course, losing myself in the process, you complain that I have no life outside of you. Cheers. This one's for you Fucktard.

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something

Read more: A Great Big World - Say Something Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Ah, you won't have anything worthwhile to say anyway.

I am great

It freaking hurts, just to be, much less anything else. I hear his oh so confident, 'I'm doing great without you' voice and I want to throw up. I want that voice. I should be the one with that voice-making his stomach hurt, making his heart break, making him want to scream 'I miss you. I love you. What happened to my life?',  making him remember and realize what he is throwing away....I am great. Really. I am beautiful, in my own sort of way. I am hilarious-well sometimes. I am the best kisser in the planet. I am a moderately good cook. I willingly crash on mountain bikes just to be with you.   I can hold my liquor and cuss like a sailor when need be. I am kind-more kind than the average person If you ask me, with the biggest, most giant, soft heart. I am loyal to the death like a dang puppy. I am nobody's garbage. I am a survivor not his dang victim. I can stand on my own......at least I can pretend I can...when inside it freaking hurts, just to be, much less anything else.

Rolo's

Yesterday a tattoo. Tonight sangria and peanut butter pretzels for dinner. Got to get this crap together. I need to find myself- ahahahaha so cliche. But that's basically what my counsellor said today. Who am I? What am I passionate about? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........I am passionate about not going bat shit crazy. I am passionate about stopping this freaking hurt. Lord help me, I am passionate about sangria and peanut butter pretzels. Okay maybe rolo's. I could be passionate about rolo's. Damn it.

Bad time for a tattoo?

Isaiah 54:4-
"Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
For your Maker is your husband, The Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called. For The Lord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife when she cast off, says your God....

Got my first tattoo today. Actually I got two. They tried to talk me out of them given my current situation but I love them. Got a white cross in place of my wedding ring.  Whether I ever wear one again or not, I will never blindly trust again. But God? Him I can count on on....He will never leave or forsake me, His love never fails, He is faithful even when I am faithless, He washes my pathetic sad self white as snow-no matter what I have said or not said or done or not done or if I am fat or skinny, sick or healthy, or........so as a reminder to myself FOREVER I got a tattoo.....against professional advice.

Sucker with an F

Sucker with an F brought me flowers and a Mother's Day card last night. And he dripped with shame and sorrow. And I miss him. And I love him. And I have been so hurt this past week I hadn't remembered HIM. Dang it.....

Not what you call me....

I have been reading blogs of souls sisters who are in my same shithole of a mess-many much further down the road to Plan B than I am. I am still just trying to breathe.....and realizing even one glass of wine sends me to Weepy-call up old friends to dump your pain on them-Ville. ANYWAYS, I have been writing down little nuggets of wisdom from my sisters that helped me in that moment. So here goes:
Optimism is the foundation of courage.
People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Trust but with healthy skepticism, believe but sometimes verify.
Good things happen slowly. And bad things happen first.
And my personal favorite: It is not what you call me....but what I answer to.

I answer to daughter of The Most High King, beautifully and wonderfully made......so call me what you want, your loss. Really.

Crazy Lady Under the Overpass

Part of this nonsense, is because 'you rely too much on me.' Funny never realized I shouldn't rely on my husband. or shouldn't trust him. or believe in him. or count on him. yep my bad. I kind of hate him today. He threw me away like garbage. again.  Today I am done. Tomorrow, or 30 seconds from now, who knows? But right now. I am done. He is sick. Something is seriously wrong, twisted in his mind. Poor him but no more poor me.  I am no longer his 'victim'. I am a survivor, thanks to God's grace. I am terrified of being that crazy homeless lady by the freeway yelling at all the people driving by. But you know what I realized tonight?  I am more terrified of life with my husband ever again. Time to stand up Ella. and when you can't-God can. Trust Him alone.

Collateral Damage

Collateral damage. What the man has done has nothing to do with me. I am just carnage left over from a sick person. I need to remember this. I had nothing to do with what he did. I cannot make him choose to heal or even stand up and be a man. I have to take care of me. Even if today that means......I showered. That's all I got....but it is progress from yesterday. Holding on to that sliver of light. I need to let go of him and worry about me. But not past the next minute. Trying to even think about further out than that sends me into panic. So for his moment, I'm trying to remember I am just collateral damage.....and he sucks.

He.left.me.

He's gone. He. Left. Me. I was willing to try to forgive and rebuild our life. And.he.left.me. Not for her or anyone else but because his guilt and shame are suffocating him. And I have wallowed for a month. And seeing my pain broke his spirit. And now the heck what? I cannot breathe. I cannot sleep.  How does a person ever heal after this?

Sinking Ship

I love this man. Captain obvious, I wouldn't be here if I didn't. But I have not been acting like it. Acting more like I need a straight jacket and padded room. I have crushed his spirit. Ya ya I know he crushed me but this shouldn't be payback. He has done everything right since D-Day. Everything. And I wallowed in my heartache. And spewed my venom all over him, instead of trying to understand he is hurting too, instead of seeing his guilt and shame crushing him, instead of remembering we need to work on this marriage not just him. I've done this to the point that he can't look at me, can't bear the pain he sees.  So today I am hurting more. So today he is feeling worse. Lost hope. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Help us get off this sinking ship, together. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus

WTH Ella?

I lied to my husband. And I feel sick about it. I took $$ out of our savings after D-day and just put it aside. Actually I put it in my parents safe. And forgot about it. And this weekend, he decided he needed to be more involved in our finances instead of leaving it all to me (this is a good thing). A couple of things happened. I saw in black and white just how much $$$ I have been spending on nothing. I never would have done this before D-day. I honestly didn't have a clue how much it was adding up. I am embarrassed. What was this? Therapy shopping, stress shopping, escape shopping, revenge shopping?? I have no idea but I am embarrassed.  And then I remembered.  So TWO days later (WTH Ella??) I fessed up to having a cash stash. Did I fess up to the whole amount?? NO.... Again I say WTH Ella? I put all of it back into our account but I didn't just tell him the whole truth. Trickle truth? Something like what he did in the beginning after D-day? Oy. Ella you suck. WTH??

Can I call her bitch/cunt/whore when I am talking to God??

So I am seriously stuck in this nightmare and cannot move forward. Came up with a game plan with my counsellor yesterday. Instead of dumping all of is on my husband CONSTANTLY, I am allowed one rant a day. I am going to journal (rant,rave, bitch, moan, cry, scream, curse, hate,cry some more) to God about every feeling I have, the good,the bad, and the DESPICABLE. Total transparency to Him. One time a day. Once. That's all I get. Ugg and then, line by line by line, I have to tell Him thank you for each and every thing. There will be blessing out of this-He promises He WILL work all things together for my good and His glory so I have to thank Him-and confess I am lying thru my teeth but hoping I will actually learn to recognize the good not focus so darn much on the awful.  Now here is the kicker. I have to spend the rest of the day living like I am healed. I CANNOT talk, think, dwell in this hell hole anymore. Now obviously if something comes up I will talk to my husband about it but this pity party, bottom feeding, hate-hole I have dug myself into-I need to quit this crap. And so today is day 1. When, not if, this heartache comes to mind (ummmm constantly) I have to NOT focus on it and make myself think about true, honorable, just, pure, lovely commendable, and excellent things. I have to heal, FOR ME. So FOR ME, I am going to pretend I am healed from this nightmare and hopefully, sooner rather than later I won't be pretending anymore.

Yup I said whore

So I have been reading a lot of blogs lately-seriously just need to know I am not cra cra.  On one of them, someone signed their name jennifer.conditt.is.a.whore (except using their OW's skanky ass name of course but hey wouldn't surprise me if there were more BS like me using this EXACT name...but I digress.) Anyway, it made me laugh. I hate this woman. It feels good to type this out loud so to speak knowing that no one on the planet will probably ever read it. This is for me. But at the same time I laugh, I have a sick feeling in my gut. She is broken. What goes on in a woman's brain that makes her do what she has done? How can she POSSIBLY believe that she is a victim in this?? How does she sleep at night or look her kids in the eyes?
Yet God sees her and loves her, died for her just like He died for me. And I think I have figured out she really wasn't anything special. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. Shouldn't I have some grace for her? Forgive like I have been forgiven? I'm going to need some God help on this one FOR SURE.
And so I type jennifer.conditt.is.a.whore. And I feel better. Not running her over with my car, or picketing her workplace, or even Facebook stalking her (anymore lol). I think this is progress. More grace than I ever thought I could muster. So I laugh at these simple hateful words and it makes me feel better.....and worse all at the same time.

Today I am not suffocating.

It's a new day. It's a new day. It's a new day. Some days the pain of all of this suffocates me, puts me in a ball of mess on the floor, keeps me from brushing my teeth. Been there all week (did manage to brush my teeth everyday though I promise). Today I'm not suffocating. Why? Trying to figure that out. We had counseling last night. I hate counseling. I would rather rip my toenails off while getting a root canal while giving birth while getting a mammogram while eating broccoli than go to counseling. It is hard. Hard doesn't even cover it some weeks. Stinking excruciating. Pretty sure our non drinking counselors went to the nearest dive bar afterwards. BUT I'm not suffocating today. I got to talk. Someone had to listen. I NEED to talk about this. But it is getting hard for him to listen to. I don't blame him. It's hard for me to think about, obsess about, dream about. We can never escape it. He thinks me talking about it is just dragging the pain out, but today I am not suffocating. He loves me (really) and is drowning in his guilt. My sorrow makes his guilt worse. He wants nothing more than for me to heal. So we go to the torture chamber of counseling and talk. And today I am not suffocating.

6, No Almost 7

6 months post D-Day, actually almost 7. whoo hoo (lower case on purpose). Every time I think it is getting easier I have a week like this one.  Why is this week so hard? hmmmmm because I found out he cheated for 5 years, actually almost 6.  No new shock, no new wound, just the same shock, the same pussing wound. 
I have never blogged before but need some outlet so decided to give this a try. Cyber journal. Maybe someone will read it and it will help them through this living hell and hopefully in the process I can work through some crap myself.
Yep, my perfect world, my perfect husband, my perfect love was a lie.  I am disenchanted. Ella Disenchanted.  Working toward living happy in my imperfect world, forgiving my imperfect husband, loving and receiving love fully in this scary place. Welcome to my world, as ugly as it is, it is full of truth.