WTH Ella?

I lied to my husband. And I feel sick about it. I took $$ out of our savings after D-day and just put it aside. Actually I put it in my parents safe. And forgot about it. And this weekend, he decided he needed to be more involved in our finances instead of leaving it all to me (this is a good thing). A couple of things happened. I saw in black and white just how much $$$ I have been spending on nothing. I never would have done this before D-day. I honestly didn't have a clue how much it was adding up. I am embarrassed. What was this? Therapy shopping, stress shopping, escape shopping, revenge shopping?? I have no idea but I am embarrassed.  And then I remembered.  So TWO days later (WTH Ella??) I fessed up to having a cash stash. Did I fess up to the whole amount?? NO.... Again I say WTH Ella? I put all of it back into our account but I didn't just tell him the whole truth. Trickle truth? Something like what he did in the beginning after D-day? Oy. Ella you suck. WTH??

Can I call her bitch/cunt/whore when I am talking to God??

So I am seriously stuck in this nightmare and cannot move forward. Came up with a game plan with my counsellor yesterday. Instead of dumping all of is on my husband CONSTANTLY, I am allowed one rant a day. I am going to journal (rant,rave, bitch, moan, cry, scream, curse, hate,cry some more) to God about every feeling I have, the good,the bad, and the DESPICABLE. Total transparency to Him. One time a day. Once. That's all I get. Ugg and then, line by line by line, I have to tell Him thank you for each and every thing. There will be blessing out of this-He promises He WILL work all things together for my good and His glory so I have to thank Him-and confess I am lying thru my teeth but hoping I will actually learn to recognize the good not focus so darn much on the awful.  Now here is the kicker. I have to spend the rest of the day living like I am healed. I CANNOT talk, think, dwell in this hell hole anymore. Now obviously if something comes up I will talk to my husband about it but this pity party, bottom feeding, hate-hole I have dug myself into-I need to quit this crap. And so today is day 1. When, not if, this heartache comes to mind (ummmm constantly) I have to NOT focus on it and make myself think about true, honorable, just, pure, lovely commendable, and excellent things. I have to heal, FOR ME. So FOR ME, I am going to pretend I am healed from this nightmare and hopefully, sooner rather than later I won't be pretending anymore.

Yup I said whore

So I have been reading a lot of blogs lately-seriously just need to know I am not cra cra.  On one of them, someone signed their name jennifer.conditt.is.a.whore (except using their OW's skanky ass name of course but hey wouldn't surprise me if there were more BS like me using this EXACT name...but I digress.) Anyway, it made me laugh. I hate this woman. It feels good to type this out loud so to speak knowing that no one on the planet will probably ever read it. This is for me. But at the same time I laugh, I have a sick feeling in my gut. She is broken. What goes on in a woman's brain that makes her do what she has done? How can she POSSIBLY believe that she is a victim in this?? How does she sleep at night or look her kids in the eyes?
Yet God sees her and loves her, died for her just like He died for me. And I think I have figured out she really wasn't anything special. If it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. Shouldn't I have some grace for her? Forgive like I have been forgiven? I'm going to need some God help on this one FOR SURE.
And so I type jennifer.conditt.is.a.whore. And I feel better. Not running her over with my car, or picketing her workplace, or even Facebook stalking her (anymore lol). I think this is progress. More grace than I ever thought I could muster. So I laugh at these simple hateful words and it makes me feel better.....and worse all at the same time.

Today I am not suffocating.

It's a new day. It's a new day. It's a new day. Some days the pain of all of this suffocates me, puts me in a ball of mess on the floor, keeps me from brushing my teeth. Been there all week (did manage to brush my teeth everyday though I promise). Today I'm not suffocating. Why? Trying to figure that out. We had counseling last night. I hate counseling. I would rather rip my toenails off while getting a root canal while giving birth while getting a mammogram while eating broccoli than go to counseling. It is hard. Hard doesn't even cover it some weeks. Stinking excruciating. Pretty sure our non drinking counselors went to the nearest dive bar afterwards. BUT I'm not suffocating today. I got to talk. Someone had to listen. I NEED to talk about this. But it is getting hard for him to listen to. I don't blame him. It's hard for me to think about, obsess about, dream about. We can never escape it. He thinks me talking about it is just dragging the pain out, but today I am not suffocating. He loves me (really) and is drowning in his guilt. My sorrow makes his guilt worse. He wants nothing more than for me to heal. So we go to the torture chamber of counseling and talk. And today I am not suffocating.

6, No Almost 7

6 months post D-Day, actually almost 7. whoo hoo (lower case on purpose). Every time I think it is getting easier I have a week like this one.  Why is this week so hard? hmmmmm because I found out he cheated for 5 years, actually almost 6.  No new shock, no new wound, just the same shock, the same pussing wound. 
I have never blogged before but need some outlet so decided to give this a try. Cyber journal. Maybe someone will read it and it will help them through this living hell and hopefully in the process I can work through some crap myself.
Yep, my perfect world, my perfect husband, my perfect love was a lie.  I am disenchanted. Ella Disenchanted.  Working toward living happy in my imperfect world, forgiving my imperfect husband, loving and receiving love fully in this scary place. Welcome to my world, as ugly as it is, it is full of truth.