Tell me how please

One week until Christmas. One week. I think I can. I think I can said the little engine that could. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.....

He flew to see me this weekend. It was nice....and confusing. I don't know where to go from here. From his perspective, he is healing. And with actions, missing the snot out of me. From my perspective, healing stalled when he left me. Healing took a leap off the high dive into a pool without water. Healing....what does that look like?

I am stronger and more independent. A check on the positive side.

I am cynical. I am numb. I feel like I am drowning in apathy. Ummm ya check on the negative side.

Wine. Wine is my friend.   BIG check on the negative side....or positive I guess depending on your perspective.

Will I ever belong anywhere again?  Did I ever really belong in the first place?? Will I ever feel 'home' again?? Wanna know when I feel the closest to that?? When f-tard gets on a plane to see me...when he is sitting next to me for just a few hours. Wanna know when I feel most alone and afraid of my future?? When f-tard gets on a plane to see me....

How does anyone truly survive this?? Is it all fake and outward show?? Are you really, I mean really, alive inside and capable of joy, love....trust??? Tell me please. Is it possible??

unapologetically me....

Dear friends and family,

I know you are sick of hearing my sadness. I'm sick of my sadness. It's way more fun to laugh and be joyful. Way. More. Fun. I did not choose this life. The most important person in my life walked out and I have survived so if you feel the need to go too.....well go.

I cannot fake happiness. I cannot pretend to be in the Christmas spirit. I am not Eyeore, crying woe is me. My life looks nothing like I imagined it ever would. And it IS sad and awful and heartbreaking, and, and, and.....

In this season of family, mine is destroyed. In this season of memories, mine are all tainted. In this season, I am sadder than I was just a month ago.The jury is still out on whether or not I will ever be happy again. So ho,ho, ho....if you need to go. Go. Just don't  stay and expect me to fake it for you. Fake is a lie. Yup, had enough lies and I won't do it.

Just know, I am trying. Praying. Trusting God for each breath. Doing my best to see all the blessings He has given me. And you are one of them. I am trying. I am surviving. I am growing stronger. But I will never be the same.  Never. And yes, I am just sad.

I hope you don't have to go. But I understand you may need to. It's okay.

Ella