Nurse Ratchet go to hell

Sick twisted me took myself to a movie this afternoon. Can you guess which one?? The Other freaking Woman. It was funny. It was pathetically sad. The airhead oblivious naive stupid wife? Yep,just like a caricature of me-except the part where she becomes a successful business woman in the end...I'll be the crazy freeway underpass lady.
Oh and did I mention while I was escaping for 5 friggin minutes the world fell apart MORE than it already was?? Family talking to family. Family angry texting my husband. Yes the only people I can confide in. Yes the husband who doesn't want me. Yes I am so alone. So pathetically alone....all made more freaking clear while I was in a movie trying to escape what is already unescapable....
Anyone have a hole in a rock I can rent cheap??
And by the way, namedeletedtoprotectinnocentsNOT-HER.is.a.whore was more like nurse ratchet than freaking Cameron Diaz. I hate her.

Party by the pool....

Self destruct much?? I may be having a nervous breakdown. I am a mess. My kids (grown up, yes, but still my babies) know everything. More details than I wanted to even remember. Before they knew, I thought I was thankful they were grown and not little ones having to deal with this. But since they are grown, they have grown up questions. And now they have grown up answers.
What does a nervous breakdown look like?? I may be having one.

Slowest of the herd

'Slowest moving of the herd' describes her perfectly. She was nothing special. She wasn't anything better than me. She was convenient and just as broken as him. And yes I still think she is a FUSTC (fucking, ugly, stanky cunt....pronounced fus-tee-see...it's a noun. Or an adjective. Whatever.) but I L.O.V.E. this description of her. Or how about this one-'symptom-like the bloody cough from tuberculosis.' She hasn't killed us. If we are truly dead, my husband's brokenness killed us. Not FUSTC or me.....and unlike her, pathetic, sorry ass, I have no shame. I have no guilt. Uggg just hate...

Swimming in a pile....

Everyday I need to find the pony in the pile of horse shit piled on top of me. -a quote from a blog I love (Betrayed Wive's Club). His choices will not define me. He cheated on me-which was entirely about him and nothing about me.  I am not a victim. I am a survivor under a pile of horse shit. Living well is the best revenge. Lord, help me live (truly live) again.

Dear Fucktard,

You told me you didn't love me anymore. Then you told me you couldn't just let go of me because you loved me thru the whole dirty, nasty, disgusting, life sucking affair.
You told me you were sorry and would spend the rest of your life working to fix what you had done, with bone deep commitment to me and our marriage. Six months in? You moved out and can't understand why I won't give you kudos for how hard you've worked the last six months.
You let me leave my family, friends, church, home, MY LIFE knowing full well your dick was elsewhere.....and after I gave up everything, except you of course, losing myself in the process, you complain that I have no life outside of you. Cheers. This one's for you Fucktard.

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'll be the one, if you want me to
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small
It was over my head
I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
Anywhere, I would've followed you
Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride
You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you
And anywhere, I would have followed you
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you
Say something

Read more: A Great Big World - Say Something Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Ah, you won't have anything worthwhile to say anyway.

I am great

It freaking hurts, just to be, much less anything else. I hear his oh so confident, 'I'm doing great without you' voice and I want to throw up. I want that voice. I should be the one with that voice-making his stomach hurt, making his heart break, making him want to scream 'I miss you. I love you. What happened to my life?',  making him remember and realize what he is throwing away....I am great. Really. I am beautiful, in my own sort of way. I am hilarious-well sometimes. I am the best kisser in the planet. I am a moderately good cook. I willingly crash on mountain bikes just to be with you.   I can hold my liquor and cuss like a sailor when need be. I am kind-more kind than the average person If you ask me, with the biggest, most giant, soft heart. I am loyal to the death like a dang puppy. I am nobody's garbage. I am a survivor not his dang victim. I can stand on my own......at least I can pretend I can...when inside it freaking hurts, just to be, much less anything else.

Rolo's

Yesterday a tattoo. Tonight sangria and peanut butter pretzels for dinner. Got to get this crap together. I need to find myself- ahahahaha so cliche. But that's basically what my counsellor said today. Who am I? What am I passionate about? Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........I am passionate about not going bat shit crazy. I am passionate about stopping this freaking hurt. Lord help me, I am passionate about sangria and peanut butter pretzels. Okay maybe rolo's. I could be passionate about rolo's. Damn it.

Bad time for a tattoo?

Isaiah 54:4-
"Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
For your Maker is your husband, The Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called. For The Lord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife when she cast off, says your God....

Got my first tattoo today. Actually I got two. They tried to talk me out of them given my current situation but I love them. Got a white cross in place of my wedding ring.  Whether I ever wear one again or not, I will never blindly trust again. But God? Him I can count on on....He will never leave or forsake me, His love never fails, He is faithful even when I am faithless, He washes my pathetic sad self white as snow-no matter what I have said or not said or done or not done or if I am fat or skinny, sick or healthy, or........so as a reminder to myself FOREVER I got a tattoo.....against professional advice.

Sucker with an F

Sucker with an F brought me flowers and a Mother's Day card last night. And he dripped with shame and sorrow. And I miss him. And I love him. And I have been so hurt this past week I hadn't remembered HIM. Dang it.....

Not what you call me....

I have been reading blogs of souls sisters who are in my same shithole of a mess-many much further down the road to Plan B than I am. I am still just trying to breathe.....and realizing even one glass of wine sends me to Weepy-call up old friends to dump your pain on them-Ville. ANYWAYS, I have been writing down little nuggets of wisdom from my sisters that helped me in that moment. So here goes:
Optimism is the foundation of courage.
People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Trust but with healthy skepticism, believe but sometimes verify.
Good things happen slowly. And bad things happen first.
And my personal favorite: It is not what you call me....but what I answer to.

I answer to daughter of The Most High King, beautifully and wonderfully made......so call me what you want, your loss. Really.

Crazy Lady Under the Overpass

Part of this nonsense, is because 'you rely too much on me.' Funny never realized I shouldn't rely on my husband. or shouldn't trust him. or believe in him. or count on him. yep my bad. I kind of hate him today. He threw me away like garbage. again.  Today I am done. Tomorrow, or 30 seconds from now, who knows? But right now. I am done. He is sick. Something is seriously wrong, twisted in his mind. Poor him but no more poor me.  I am no longer his 'victim'. I am a survivor, thanks to God's grace. I am terrified of being that crazy homeless lady by the freeway yelling at all the people driving by. But you know what I realized tonight?  I am more terrified of life with my husband ever again. Time to stand up Ella. and when you can't-God can. Trust Him alone.

Collateral Damage

Collateral damage. What the man has done has nothing to do with me. I am just carnage left over from a sick person. I need to remember this. I had nothing to do with what he did. I cannot make him choose to heal or even stand up and be a man. I have to take care of me. Even if today that means......I showered. That's all I got....but it is progress from yesterday. Holding on to that sliver of light. I need to let go of him and worry about me. But not past the next minute. Trying to even think about further out than that sends me into panic. So for his moment, I'm trying to remember I am just collateral damage.....and he sucks.

He.left.me.

He's gone. He. Left. Me. I was willing to try to forgive and rebuild our life. And.he.left.me. Not for her or anyone else but because his guilt and shame are suffocating him. And I have wallowed for a month. And seeing my pain broke his spirit. And now the heck what? I cannot breathe. I cannot sleep.  How does a person ever heal after this?

Sinking Ship

I love this man. Captain obvious, I wouldn't be here if I didn't. But I have not been acting like it. Acting more like I need a straight jacket and padded room. I have crushed his spirit. Ya ya I know he crushed me but this shouldn't be payback. He has done everything right since D-Day. Everything. And I wallowed in my heartache. And spewed my venom all over him, instead of trying to understand he is hurting too, instead of seeing his guilt and shame crushing him, instead of remembering we need to work on this marriage not just him. I've done this to the point that he can't look at me, can't bear the pain he sees.  So today I am hurting more. So today he is feeling worse. Lost hope. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Help us get off this sinking ship, together. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus