Rainbows and butterflies

Construction is done on my place.....well at least the big messy stuff. Everything is put away FINALLY and cleaned up. I start work in just over a week. I made plans for my birthday that don't include him. Sitting in the front yard breathing ocean air with my sweatshirt on, a dog in my lap, another at my feet, a glass of wine, Trader Joe's white cheddar popcorn (dinner of champions right there). I am starting over. Two feet in....yet my heart is breaking. Will I have to fake this life forever? Will I ever have joy again? Uggggg.....both feet into this new life, Lord please let my heart follow.

Pinot anyone?

He is coming to see me today. Driving 350 miles to see me. How do I feel about this? Excited, filled with dread, incredibly sad, nervous, ......tired.  He has made it clear he doesn't want any deep conversation just to hang out and be in each other's company. I am actually more than fine with the no deep conversation part. We talk on the phone everyday and have deep conversation all the time. Life is heavy. I do not want to beat a dead horse! But .....am I his buddy? Am I the key to his kids? Am I his wife who he misses and loves? Ya, I may have an impossible weekend. Pinot anyone?

Seconds of peace.

I need to find happy. Not sure where to look!! I feel crazy and sad and so alone. But in reality, I am not crazy or alone, just sad. And I need to learn to live in the moments...okay that might be a stretch.....the seconds that I am not sad. The second when I feel the ocean breeze and the sunshine on my face. The second my dog wiggles because I am his favorite person on the planet and truly loves me until death do us part. The moment when my granddaughter falls asleep rocking with me and stays there for two hours.....and she is two! Gifts of grace from a God who loves me and is faithful even when no one else is, who promises to never leave or forsake me, and straight up keeps me breathing. Forget happy. I need to remember joy and thankfulness for all of God's grace. Open my eyes to those seconds...and pretty soon they will turn into moments....and who knows maybe hours, days, etc.....ah but right now I will take the seconds.

Except...

What do I want to do with my life? What do I want my life to look like? Well I can't go back and start over but I do sort of have that opportunity now. A new life. A new chance to do it right, to go for my dreams..... Except I can't remember my dreams. I can't remember what it feels like to not be dead inside. I can't remember what it feels like to genuinely laugh, heck, genuinely smile. Are there any real people out there who have more than just survived this but are thriving and whole again? If they exist, Lord please put one in my path. I need to know how they did it! Need them to hold my hand as I learn this new dance. Never mind. I don't want to need anyone to hold my hand again!! Lord, help me learn to stand alone, dream, imagine, DO, on my own leaning only on You! Oh and genuinely smile without my heart breaking underneath, too. Am I being greedy now??

Don't assume I am stupid.

You know when your kid is being a total asshole and you are COMPLETELY aware and angry and frustrated and want to ring their little necks and then.......somebody says to you that your kid is being an asshole??  A switch flips in you. This is your precious baby. Who in the f... do they think they are saying that about this person who is literally a part of your being?? High and mighty. What? Do they think their kids are perfect? Phhhhsssstttt. I could give them a million ways they are the stinking pot calling the kettle black. Yup. Pretty much my life, except it is my husband not my kids.
Do you think I am the stupidest person on the planet? Do you think I am so naive that I just automatically believe every word out of his mouth? I'm not. I don't. But he is half of me. He is my family-according to God, shoot-according to my broken heart, more my family and priority than any other living being. My head is not buried in the sand. My eyes are WIDE open to what he is capable of. My world is shattered and I am just trying to breathe and figure out what to do next. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if he is the biggest liar, fraud, piece of crap to ever walk the earth OR if at this point he is REALLY trying to fix whatever is broken. It doesn't f-ing matter. I need to worry about me. I need to figure out how to be. Just be. Me. All by myself. Do you understand I have NEVER been on my own? Never. Do you understand I don't have a marketable job resume? Tell me to 'be confident', okay POOF... Nope doesn't work that way. I'm doing the best I can. Ha and maybe some days I am not but isn't that my decision? Do you get that it takes strength beyond what you can fathom to breathe and shower and get dressed right now? Strength. Really. Like you have no freaking clue how you would respond or feel unless you were in my shoes. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what the next five minutes hold. I love my husband. Not going to apologize for that. I love him. Does that mean I can have a future with him? I don't know. But am I allowed to figure any of this out?? Can I do that without you talking about me? Without feeling like I need to stand up for him....not even him necessarily just my right to decide and figure this out? I can't decide today. I am happy that I kept breathing today. I, me, I, I, I, have to figure out survival much less the future and who is or isn't going to be a part of it. I spent 30 years of my life with him. I need to figure out how to be ME, whoever the hell that is, apart from him before I can ever even consider the future. I need you right now. I NEED YOU. And yet I want to be in a cave somewhere. Alone. Just me and God.
Ahhhh but it don't freaking know how.
Help Lord Jesus. Help. Please.

Does a tree falling in the woods make noise if no one is there to hear it?

What if he is telling the truth? What if he REALLYdid need me out of the way for him to be able to focus and work on himself? I hear changes in him, in his thinking, in his perspective. I am afraid he isn't telling the truth. I am afraid he is. I want to be married to him-under better circumstances-with trust, joy, love, respect. I want to be free of the weight of his betrayal. I miss him but I don't really want to see him. I certainly don't want to be in the same house .....or zip code as him right now. I am afraid. Everyone on 'my side' (can't ANYONE understand 'our side' IS 'my side'? Argh- save that rant for another post!) just assumes he is lying about why we are apart right now. Assumes he is still cheating. Assumes he is lying to me. What if he is telling the truth?? Crap. What if he is??

August 3, 1985

August 3, 1985. 29 years ago I went on a first date with the most amazing guy.  He had the biggest heart, deep character, respect, manners.....and he loved me with a very pure, honest, to the core, forever, safe kind of love. He was the best man I have ever known.

August 3, 2014. 29 years later, I am here, alone, heartbroken with a giant question mark over my whole life. In my naïveté, I still believe he is a good man. Am I crazy?  Is he REALLY a good man who made awful, wicked, destructive, evil evil evil choices or have I just been naive, stupid, BLIND my whole life?? I choose to believe he is a good man. That first date led to a life I loved, to a family I miss terribly, to smiles and laughter and tears and heartbreak that we endured TOGETHER. I don't regret my life or my choice to go on that first date. I don't regret going on the second, or the thousandth. Where did we get so lost and how in the heck did I miss it??

Damn. Today might suck.