Taking the high road...tomorrow

Have I mentioned lately that jennifer.conditt.is.a.whore? First Pintrest stalking my daughter's recipes. Now fake Instagram accounts to follow only people that connect back to me-like the Kevin Bacon game. Following my kids, my kids friends,my pastor in another state, my sister's aunt-in-law, my parents, my 12 year old niece??  She is freaking cra cra.... Kids? MY KIDS??

And he REALLY doesn't want her.  Is so disgusted with what he has done, he has turned into a train wreck.

Watched my girl take a stand yesterday without inviting Jerry Springer to the table. It was empowering for her, which was empowering for me. The high road is so much more dignified. But here on my own personal blog space,  for a moment, I get to tell the world (or at least the random couple of strangers who may read this) that jennifer.conditt.is.a.whore. And freaking cra cra. ...and ugly...on the inside which is the worst kind of ugly....no fugly. FUGLY on the inside.

Going to the Beach

A week and a half until the beach. And a fresh start.....by myself. I am so afraid. I don't want to leave my husband here. But he left me. I see his heart breaking as he does it. But he is still going going gone. I love the dumb ass. I want to spend my life with the dumb ass. I want to heal. And healing may mean I never get to be with him again. Which breaks my heart more, if that is possible. A week and a half until I walk away from my husband. A week and a half.

Chillin at the beach...

Moving. I hate it. Yes HATE it. Packing again. Moving again. Truly thought this was it for awhile. Never expected to be moving again 6 months later. 6 months. This time I'm moving to my very own place. MY place. Never had a MY place before. It kind of sucks-I wanted OUR place forever. Mine and my beloved's. But you know what-I intend to have flowers and prettiness and girl smells....and big girl panties and big girl drinks and big girl attitude....on the beach. I can do this. I WILL do this. I will.

T & D....and pinot

I'm a drunk texter. Maybe I'm just a drunk. That would suck. Hopefully I'm just a temporary occasional drunk. Damn it. One thing for sure is that I am a mess. Aside from my husband who has basically killed me, I have had the same best friend for 20+ years. When I decided to try to forgive my husband and work things out with him she disappeared. Left me like he did. And tonight, drunk...I am missing her so much I can't stand it. And I drunk texted her.  She is the perfect Christian....not really but she kind of thinks she is. And I am a hot damn mess. And I miss my best friend. I need my best friend. Both of them. Damn it damn it damn it......

Maybe

The gift that keeps on giving......hurt upon hurt upon hurt and then.......hurt.  I may not survive this!! Every aspect of my life is upside down, back flipped, spun dizzy, and spewing vomit everywhere all while continuing to be more upside down, back flipped.....this is the song that never ends.

I am moving 400 miles away from my husband. My husband. I want him to stay my husband, and I am moving 400 miles away from him. I hate moving. I hate starting over. I hate being married, alone. No friends, no familiar grocery store or streets.  But I will have the ocean. Familiar. Comforting. Maybe God is giving me a respite by the sea. Maybe I will come out on the other side of this whole, healed, ready for my life. Maybe I will still get to be a wife to my husband. My husband. Whatever happens, God will get me thru. No maybe.

No More Man TV

Plan B. I am not a plan b type person. I know God hates divorce. I know God wants me to stay married. I absolutely know that He can heal, restore, make better than I could ever dream or imagine. That is plan a.  But since I have no control over other people, I just may have to accept plan B. Long walks hand in hand with.....my dog. Cooking that special meal for....myself.  Christmas morning....ugg can't look at that one yet. Always getting to pick the movie. Always controlling the remote. The only dirty underwear I have to wash are mine. Wanna go to early church-I can. Late church-yep I can. Quiet. Peace and quiet.....okay maybe can't face all that quiet yet either. My point is God knows I don't want plan b. He knows I want what He wants. And wherever this awful world takes me, He is there. Always. And while I have never felt so alone in all my life, He is with me, comforting me, protecting me, walking with me. So while I am not a plan b person, God is going to walk thru it with me....and on the other side, it may just be full of blessing, better than I could have ever dreamed or imagined.