La Crema for lunch......on Sunday.

I went to church with my sister today.

Then I drank a bottle of wine for lunch. 

How awful am I? 

Too much to drink on a Sunday afternoon.

I suck.

Hugely.

But I cannot cope with my life.

 I miss my husband.

I miss my best friend.

 I miss my the father of my babies. 

I miss him.

I cannot breathe today.

Damn it....

I miss him so much I cannot breathe today. 

 La crema for lunch.

And I am an awful person. 

Damn it. I miss him.

Thus. La Crema for lunch.....after church

I AM AWFUL...

Tomorrow, Shmomorrow

So I just realized something. I am living the same life I have lived the past few years, only without the lie in my head that I am loved and happily married. I can't live this way anymore. ...eating up the crumbs from his table, believing every tiny morsel of hope yet ignoring the elephant of neglect.

What does this mean?

Do I want a divorce?? No. I cannot say that.

Do I want to move back in with him? No and no again. Will not do that either.

So what does this mean?

I do not know.  I am just praying....a lot. And though I have no idea what God is doing in his heart, I do see the changes in my own. And honestly, I don't know how I feel about those changes.

Would I be better off without him, even though I made a covenant promise to God for forever? Yet God says he broke that promise and in God's love for me, I can divorce him.

Am I doubting that God can restore anything-no matter how broken??

No. I KNOW that God can restore this marriage to what HE intended all along and I really think He wants to.

All that said, He also gave my husband free will and maybe He is protecting me, sheltering me, loving me BY ending this marriage??

Confused.

So today, I will worry about today. It has enough of its own stinking worries.

Can I get an amen? ...and some help actually doing that please??

November Rain

It is November.....which means holidays and memories of holidays. Aside from the past few years, I have loved the holidays.

 My favorite memories of all time are when our kids-even up to (legally :) ) adulthood, would both come lay in our bed with us. Our legs and bodies all pretzeled so we would fit. We giggled and talked and just loved each other. The whole world stopped during those moments. I would give about anything to have a moment like that again. Pure joy.

This year, I am alone.

My kids on the other side of the world. My love is in another state. Yes, I have family here and I am so grateful to be close to them. I am totally aware they are God's gift of grace to me during this time. But they have families, and their own 'moments' to have.

 And I miss my family.

And my moments.

I have questioned whether it ever really existed but with some healing and some time since my world exploded, I, without a doubt, KNOW we did exist.

 My husband took a ridiculously awful wrong turn and the consequences seem to never end BUT before all that-we had a good life...sometimes great life.

 I miss it.

And I miss him.  A lot.

Get ready Ella, here come the holidays.