So I am a stinking mess and I want to call him....and her but I WILL NOT... so I am going to blog TO them, mostly him, but they will never see it. Just you will. Please don't judge. Please have grace on me. Just listen and be my shoulder to cry on, my friend in this pit from hell I find myself in.....can you do that?
Dear husband.,
I am a Picasso you put out at a garage sale for $.50. That doesn't make me less of a Picasso. I am fine china, but you look at me like a Dixie cup ( not even a red solo cup). It's my birthday. And I deserve to be cherished not just on that day but everyday because I am a gift to you from the Most High God. A gift. A blessing. A precious treasure. The fact that I am an after thought at best to you doesn't change my value. Doesn't change who I am and Whom I belong to. I REFUSE to thnk of myself as less than God made me ANYMORE. She is not better than me. She is nothing. She was a cum bucket, a sperm whale, a sorry excuse for a human being and I WILLNOT be consumed with hate for her anymore. You have broken my heart, crushed it, shredded it, mutilated it.....but you know what, it is still beating. And my God makes beauty from ashes,restores the most broken of souls. My God is bigger than you and your piss poor perspective. He loves me. Truly loves me. Such a loss for you. Picasso at a garage sale for $.50. Oh the treasure given to you, but you were too blind to see. I am sad, broken, in pieces BUT it doesn't change my value in the hands of the Great Physician. In the grand scheme of things, you have thrown away so much and just destroyed yourself. But I am not destroyed. Joy WILL come in the morning. How sad for you to miss it.....
3 comments:
Ella, I just want you to know you are not alone, and you are not talking to yourself. I read your blog in April and found it again today. I am just sick at what you are going through. I am sick your husband could not stick it out, that your best friend can't bear witness to your pain (same thing here and I miss her and sadly I am not the maid of honor at her upcoming wedding, which is probably for the best, but it still hurts). I also understand how infuriating it is to hear "it takes two" when in reality, it really does only take one to fuck it up and fuck something he has no business fucking. I mean really, there was distance but not the sort of distance I thought would mean I should be going thru his phone and computer or tailing him through other countries!) I would also say something about your husband, but yes, I, like you, have a very strong reaction to someone judging my husband, and not many can, as only two people know anything happened. But what you have thought, I have thought, and mine is still here, so I don't have the luxury of throwing things. Rotfl. I hope the ocean uses her healing power on you and I hope your repentant husband comes to his senses. Mine was also with two money grubbing whores...how to forgive? I don't know. Some days are not as hard as others, even though we have some a long way.
Thank you Steam. The forgiveness for him I think is so much easier because I love him, I know he did an awful, wicked thing but HE is not awful and wicked and I see the pit of despair his actions have put him in. My hatred for her though is a whole other story. Really trying to let it go. Believe it or not, even though we are apart, we have come a long way as well. I just HAVE to talk to somebody and I am so thankful you were here to listen!!! We will get thru this...we will.
If am am listening, others are too---but you know how hard it is to take a step and say something. My H also his incredibly repentant and pretty sickened by what he did, which is the only reason I am on the road i am on. Had he shown no remorse, I would have shown him the door. I think. (i mean, who knows, I am sure you too, never thought you would have stayed, it was ALWAYS a deal breaker for me, and yet, here I am)
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