Where am I??

My first week of work is over. It was good. I am flipping tired but it was really good. What do I call my husband? Douche bag? Asswipe? Fucktard? Ugggg my dang love..... Anyway, me and what's his name have had great conversations this week. He has been my biggest cheerleader. He has encouraged me, checked on me, told me how proud he is of me etc etc. Well now my dang work week is over and .......I just want to cry. What if he is with IT right now? What if he is exactly the same, living the same double life and I am just the biggest fool in the world?? How will I ever know? How am I supposed to keep moving forward? Why would he keep lying when I have begged him to just let me go if that life is what he wants, begged him to never ever pull this crap again...and the trouble is (is it trouble?) when I talk to him, I wholeheartedly believe he has repented and turned from that life and is sick about that life and those choices, and then.......I doubt. Because my mind is not occupied elsewhere. Is this going to be my life forever? Limbo? Heartbreak? Fear? I used to KNOW he loved me. That I was the only person he would ever love. That I without ever thinking about it could trust him with my life. Now......I don't know where I go. Hopefully not bat shit crazy. I want my life back. I miss my life. I miss my husband.  I miss my dang best friend. I miss my innocence and naïveté. I miss my family.  I miss me, whoever the hell that was, because she is MIA forever I fear. I miss laughing. I miss French kissing. I miss the smell of his chest. I vomit at the fact that IT knows that smell and either misses it too or is still smelling it! I miss having him to talk to about everything. I can't talk to him about all this crap-at least not to the extent I need to. He is half of me. I am the other half and I think a part of me has literally died and the part that's left just hurts. Crap. Crap. Crap.  I hate this. I hate it.