You know when your kid is being a total asshole and you are COMPLETELY aware and angry and frustrated and want to ring their little necks and then.......somebody says to you that your kid is being an asshole?? A switch flips in you. This is your precious baby. Who in the f... do they think they are saying that about this person who is literally a part of your being?? High and mighty. What? Do they think their kids are perfect? Phhhhsssstttt. I could give them a million ways they are the stinking pot calling the kettle black. Yup. Pretty much my life, except it is my husband not my kids.
Do you think I am the stupidest person on the planet? Do you think I am so naive that I just automatically believe every word out of his mouth? I'm not. I don't. But he is half of me. He is my family-according to God, shoot-according to my broken heart, more my family and priority than any other living being. My head is not buried in the sand. My eyes are WIDE open to what he is capable of. My world is shattered and I am just trying to breathe and figure out what to do next. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know if he is the biggest liar, fraud, piece of crap to ever walk the earth OR if at this point he is REALLY trying to fix whatever is broken. It doesn't f-ing matter. I need to worry about me. I need to figure out how to be. Just be. Me. All by myself. Do you understand I have NEVER been on my own? Never. Do you understand I don't have a marketable job resume? Tell me to 'be confident', okay POOF... Nope doesn't work that way. I'm doing the best I can. Ha and maybe some days I am not but isn't that my decision? Do you get that it takes strength beyond what you can fathom to breathe and shower and get dressed right now? Strength. Really. Like you have no freaking clue how you would respond or feel unless you were in my shoes. I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what the next five minutes hold. I love my husband. Not going to apologize for that. I love him. Does that mean I can have a future with him? I don't know. But am I allowed to figure any of this out?? Can I do that without you talking about me? Without feeling like I need to stand up for him....not even him necessarily just my right to decide and figure this out? I can't decide today. I am happy that I kept breathing today. I, me, I, I, I, have to figure out survival much less the future and who is or isn't going to be a part of it. I spent 30 years of my life with him. I need to figure out how to be ME, whoever the hell that is, apart from him before I can ever even consider the future. I need you right now. I NEED YOU. And yet I want to be in a cave somewhere. Alone. Just me and God.
Ahhhh but it don't freaking know how.
Help Lord Jesus. Help. Please.
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