Tell me how please

One week until Christmas. One week. I think I can. I think I can said the little engine that could. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.....

He flew to see me this weekend. It was nice....and confusing. I don't know where to go from here. From his perspective, he is healing. And with actions, missing the snot out of me. From my perspective, healing stalled when he left me. Healing took a leap off the high dive into a pool without water. Healing....what does that look like?

I am stronger and more independent. A check on the positive side.

I am cynical. I am numb. I feel like I am drowning in apathy. Ummm ya check on the negative side.

Wine. Wine is my friend.   BIG check on the negative side....or positive I guess depending on your perspective.

Will I ever belong anywhere again?  Did I ever really belong in the first place?? Will I ever feel 'home' again?? Wanna know when I feel the closest to that?? When f-tard gets on a plane to see me...when he is sitting next to me for just a few hours. Wanna know when I feel most alone and afraid of my future?? When f-tard gets on a plane to see me....

How does anyone truly survive this?? Is it all fake and outward show?? Are you really, I mean really, alive inside and capable of joy, love....trust??? Tell me please. Is it possible??

unapologetically me....

Dear friends and family,

I know you are sick of hearing my sadness. I'm sick of my sadness. It's way more fun to laugh and be joyful. Way. More. Fun. I did not choose this life. The most important person in my life walked out and I have survived so if you feel the need to go too.....well go.

I cannot fake happiness. I cannot pretend to be in the Christmas spirit. I am not Eyeore, crying woe is me. My life looks nothing like I imagined it ever would. And it IS sad and awful and heartbreaking, and, and, and.....

In this season of family, mine is destroyed. In this season of memories, mine are all tainted. In this season, I am sadder than I was just a month ago.The jury is still out on whether or not I will ever be happy again. So ho,ho, ho....if you need to go. Go. Just don't  stay and expect me to fake it for you. Fake is a lie. Yup, had enough lies and I won't do it.

Just know, I am trying. Praying. Trusting God for each breath. Doing my best to see all the blessings He has given me. And you are one of them. I am trying. I am surviving. I am growing stronger. But I will never be the same.  Never. And yes, I am just sad.

I hope you don't have to go. But I understand you may need to. It's okay.

Ella

La Crema for lunch......on Sunday.

I went to church with my sister today.

Then I drank a bottle of wine for lunch. 

How awful am I? 

Too much to drink on a Sunday afternoon.

I suck.

Hugely.

But I cannot cope with my life.

 I miss my husband.

I miss my best friend.

 I miss my the father of my babies. 

I miss him.

I cannot breathe today.

Damn it....

I miss him so much I cannot breathe today. 

 La crema for lunch.

And I am an awful person. 

Damn it. I miss him.

Thus. La Crema for lunch.....after church

I AM AWFUL...

Tomorrow, Shmomorrow

So I just realized something. I am living the same life I have lived the past few years, only without the lie in my head that I am loved and happily married. I can't live this way anymore. ...eating up the crumbs from his table, believing every tiny morsel of hope yet ignoring the elephant of neglect.

What does this mean?

Do I want a divorce?? No. I cannot say that.

Do I want to move back in with him? No and no again. Will not do that either.

So what does this mean?

I do not know.  I am just praying....a lot. And though I have no idea what God is doing in his heart, I do see the changes in my own. And honestly, I don't know how I feel about those changes.

Would I be better off without him, even though I made a covenant promise to God for forever? Yet God says he broke that promise and in God's love for me, I can divorce him.

Am I doubting that God can restore anything-no matter how broken??

No. I KNOW that God can restore this marriage to what HE intended all along and I really think He wants to.

All that said, He also gave my husband free will and maybe He is protecting me, sheltering me, loving me BY ending this marriage??

Confused.

So today, I will worry about today. It has enough of its own stinking worries.

Can I get an amen? ...and some help actually doing that please??

November Rain

It is November.....which means holidays and memories of holidays. Aside from the past few years, I have loved the holidays.

 My favorite memories of all time are when our kids-even up to (legally :) ) adulthood, would both come lay in our bed with us. Our legs and bodies all pretzeled so we would fit. We giggled and talked and just loved each other. The whole world stopped during those moments. I would give about anything to have a moment like that again. Pure joy.

This year, I am alone.

My kids on the other side of the world. My love is in another state. Yes, I have family here and I am so grateful to be close to them. I am totally aware they are God's gift of grace to me during this time. But they have families, and their own 'moments' to have.

 And I miss my family.

And my moments.

I have questioned whether it ever really existed but with some healing and some time since my world exploded, I, without a doubt, KNOW we did exist.

 My husband took a ridiculously awful wrong turn and the consequences seem to never end BUT before all that-we had a good life...sometimes great life.

 I miss it.

And I miss him.  A lot.

Get ready Ella, here come the holidays.

Call me Callie??

Haven't written in a while. Sick of always sounding like a whiny baby. It's been a tough week and well I need someone to talk to about it. So here I am, hopefully not whining too much but talking to friends.

Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? This week Callie and Arizona took a 'break'. At the beginning, Arizona was pushing for it, breaking Callie's heart... Again. By the end, Arizona realized what she had done, and Callie, much to even her own surprise, didn't want to come back....and I was cheering for her. Go Callie! And of all the fans of this dumb show, I may be the only one cheering...

I feel like that could be where my heart is heading and it scares me. I have prayed and prayed for God's will in this situation-knowing He, of course, wants me to stay married to my husband and fix this mess.  Well it dawned on me, He knows things I don't and maybe NOT going back is His will. Maybe it is His protection. Maybe I  want that marriage I thought I had, that love I thought I had, that security I thought I had, but by my husbands free choices, it is just not going to happen......and did I ever really have it??

He talks about getting help but it's just lip service-does absolutely nothing to find it. He lives in another state. He says I need to learn to have an opinion yet what he means is I need to loudly and proudly state HIS opinion and never really my own. He wants to call me on the way home from work  everyday to show me how committed he is-yet when he was leading his double life, he did the same darn thing. Side note-zippers zipped, ring on finger AND heart, fighting like hell for me and our marriage and our family-those are just a few things that show actual commitment. I will never grow to trust him with him there and me here. We would have to be together for that. Well I am not moving back there in the foreseeable future, if ever. I have that sick feeling in my stomach-which could just be just last nights dinner.....or it could be intuition I ignored while his disgusting affair was going on. How will I ever know? Will I ever be willing to risk getting THAT knock on the door or THAT phone call or see THAT on his cell phone again? Today I just don't know. I just don't know. And this scares me.

He is God's son

He is God 's son. His will be done.

This is how I have started to pray. I need rest. I need comfort. I need to rest in my Father's arms. I am His daughter. He is his son. His will is the absolute best for both of us. And I need rest. Peace. And only He gives me both. Will you pray for my husband and I too? Pray for His will? Thanks. Really.