Call me Callie??

Haven't written in a while. Sick of always sounding like a whiny baby. It's been a tough week and well I need someone to talk to about it. So here I am, hopefully not whining too much but talking to friends.

Do you watch Grey's Anatomy? This week Callie and Arizona took a 'break'. At the beginning, Arizona was pushing for it, breaking Callie's heart... Again. By the end, Arizona realized what she had done, and Callie, much to even her own surprise, didn't want to come back....and I was cheering for her. Go Callie! And of all the fans of this dumb show, I may be the only one cheering...

I feel like that could be where my heart is heading and it scares me. I have prayed and prayed for God's will in this situation-knowing He, of course, wants me to stay married to my husband and fix this mess.  Well it dawned on me, He knows things I don't and maybe NOT going back is His will. Maybe it is His protection. Maybe I  want that marriage I thought I had, that love I thought I had, that security I thought I had, but by my husbands free choices, it is just not going to happen......and did I ever really have it??

He talks about getting help but it's just lip service-does absolutely nothing to find it. He lives in another state. He says I need to learn to have an opinion yet what he means is I need to loudly and proudly state HIS opinion and never really my own. He wants to call me on the way home from work  everyday to show me how committed he is-yet when he was leading his double life, he did the same darn thing. Side note-zippers zipped, ring on finger AND heart, fighting like hell for me and our marriage and our family-those are just a few things that show actual commitment. I will never grow to trust him with him there and me here. We would have to be together for that. Well I am not moving back there in the foreseeable future, if ever. I have that sick feeling in my stomach-which could just be just last nights dinner.....or it could be intuition I ignored while his disgusting affair was going on. How will I ever know? Will I ever be willing to risk getting THAT knock on the door or THAT phone call or see THAT on his cell phone again? Today I just don't know. I just don't know. And this scares me.