unapologetically me....

Dear friends and family,

I know you are sick of hearing my sadness. I'm sick of my sadness. It's way more fun to laugh and be joyful. Way. More. Fun. I did not choose this life. The most important person in my life walked out and I have survived so if you feel the need to go too.....well go.

I cannot fake happiness. I cannot pretend to be in the Christmas spirit. I am not Eyeore, crying woe is me. My life looks nothing like I imagined it ever would. And it IS sad and awful and heartbreaking, and, and, and.....

In this season of family, mine is destroyed. In this season of memories, mine are all tainted. In this season, I am sadder than I was just a month ago.The jury is still out on whether or not I will ever be happy again. So ho,ho, ho....if you need to go. Go. Just don't  stay and expect me to fake it for you. Fake is a lie. Yup, had enough lies and I won't do it.

Just know, I am trying. Praying. Trusting God for each breath. Doing my best to see all the blessings He has given me. And you are one of them. I am trying. I am surviving. I am growing stronger. But I will never be the same.  Never. And yes, I am just sad.

I hope you don't have to go. But I understand you may need to. It's okay.

Ella