Tell me how please

One week until Christmas. One week. I think I can. I think I can said the little engine that could. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.....

He flew to see me this weekend. It was nice....and confusing. I don't know where to go from here. From his perspective, he is healing. And with actions, missing the snot out of me. From my perspective, healing stalled when he left me. Healing took a leap off the high dive into a pool without water. Healing....what does that look like?

I am stronger and more independent. A check on the positive side.

I am cynical. I am numb. I feel like I am drowning in apathy. Ummm ya check on the negative side.

Wine. Wine is my friend.   BIG check on the negative side....or positive I guess depending on your perspective.

Will I ever belong anywhere again?  Did I ever really belong in the first place?? Will I ever feel 'home' again?? Wanna know when I feel the closest to that?? When f-tard gets on a plane to see me...when he is sitting next to me for just a few hours. Wanna know when I feel most alone and afraid of my future?? When f-tard gets on a plane to see me....

How does anyone truly survive this?? Is it all fake and outward show?? Are you really, I mean really, alive inside and capable of joy, love....trust??? Tell me please. Is it possible??