Gotta go, I have a date.

Dating 101 according to me.

1. Master the bro hug. This is a necessity. Some really grossie joesies will go for the back of your throat on that first awkward date. If necessary, feign asleep on the drive home, ThEN the bro hug.

2. Do not fall for the lines. They all have them. And some deliver them sooooo well. But they are full of $hite. Totally. They have one goal...at least at first. Refer to point number 1.

3. Know the deal breakers for you. And don't date anyone AT ALL that is outside that perimeter. You never know who you are going to fall in loke with.... That guy who works part time and smokes pot pretty regularly BUT you have so much fun and the best.chemistry.ever.since.creation.of.chemistry? Run. Your heart is going to get broken. One way or another. Had enough of that, haven't you? I sure as heck have.

4. Have fun. Think of every date as your beginning and not your end. Don't overthink ANYTHING. Just enjoy the experience. The more first dates the better.... Really. You will learn what your are attracted to and even better what you are NOT. And let's be honest, free food and new places you would never otherwise go. Embrace that crap.

5. Figure out who YOU are. You may find you like the artistic passionate guy OR you may like that crazy type A guy. Was married my whole life to door number two. Who knew he isn't even my type? Crazy. Ding ding ding!!! Hindsight does wonders for my soul sometimes.

6. Don't be anyone you are not. If he doesn't like you, do you really want to be with him?  I am freakin awesome. Really. So hey, if he doesn't see that, no matter how freaking perfect he feels, I don't want to be anywhere near that shit. Been there. Married that.

7. Did I say enjoy that crap? Even the bad dates. Take a toilet selfie and send it to your friends. Have fun on every date. The dates I was so nervous? I ruined. They never saw ME. Drink a glass of wine while getting ready if need be. Take a deep breath and just have fun.

Lastly, you have superpowers you don't even realize you have -aside from the rack (see point #2)....you have survived hell and are still breathing, smiling again, standing taller. And I don't know about you, but after divorce I found out I am freaking beautiful. Who new?? I will tell you who. The person I end up dating forever. He will have no doubt. Oh and now, more importantly ME. I know. And no asshole will ever be able to make me feel 'less than' again. and if he does, MORE FIRST DATES yesssssss.....

Hey gurl, wha's ur #? I like you!!

It has been months since I last wrote. M.o.n.t.h.s. It feels like years. Since I last wrote, divorce was finalized, I fell in loke (past like, maybe not quite love), had sex that was earth changing. Seriously. Ya, I know-not my wisest move but....ddddaaaaammmmmnnnnn said in huge southern drawl... Woke a beast in me.

And then I got cancer.

Cancer.

And the loke of my life had too much baggage attached to that and ran for the flippin hills. Heartbreak. Wasn't ready for another loss.

And in that same season, people I love beyond words also walked out of my life. Walked away, no turning back. More loss. Gut wrenching loss...

I have lost more and more and more until a strange thing happened.....I remembered ME. And I learned-okay continually learning-to only own my crap and not theirs. That is huge. Like astronomically, infinitely, amazingly, stupendously HUGE.

I LEARNED IT IS NOT, let me repeat NOT SELFISH TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.  No matter how much everyone else tells you it is.  No one else is going to do it!!

I fought deep, suicidal, scary depression for awhile after surgery. And even though now I still feel that heartbreak everyday, I stand taller. And I might be kind of a hard hearted bitch who don't take no shit from nobody lol....

...ya not really, but I am definitely a different person than I was 6 months ago.

Totally different person.

Fucktard Hangover

So his financials finally arrived with my attorney. -Mine HAD to be in by December 1st. Go figure. No rules apply to him. And in straight up black and white, in front of me, more proof-as if I needed any-that the person I loved is dead. Dead. I wish I knew when it happened. But I don't. So I am stuck with my own stupidity, my own naive, Pollyanna damn attitude of the last decade. I am stuck with the embarrassment of having faith when I never should have. I am stuck feeling like THE. STUPIDEST. PERSON. ON. THE. PLANET. I am stuck basically with what I call a fucktard hangover. It is hanging on right now. No matter how much water I drink. No matter how many Advil I take.  The fucktard hangover is killing me. Killing. Me.

How does a person deal with 30 years of her life being a lie? Because with this new, yet soooo fucking old, information and hindsight, he may have always been this broken. And I had him on a pedestal. And he made me believe I was a piece of worthless shit. And the world believed him, and all his lies, and somehow no one saw thru any of his bullshit smorgasbord. And even now, people say 'it takes two', or 'I don't want to take sides'. Well let me just call BULLSHIT on that. It absolutely, unequivocally DOES NOT TAKE TWO, and by not taking sides-oh you have taken sides.

And I WAS a dumbass. I WAS the stupidest , most naive woman on the planet. Sadly, I AM changed forever. Forever.  But I AM still breathing, even if just barely. You know what? WAS and not AM is a fantastic place, actually. It is a strong, wonder  womanesque, start to a new life.

But damnit, this hangover. Ugggg.  Hangovers are temporary, right? And this fucktard hangover may get me down.....really down.....but it will get better. And in the end-well fucktard is still a fucktard or worse-if I even knew a better way to describe what he has become.

But me? I am still me. A changed, scarred version of me but ME nonetheless. And that is better than Advil for this hangover. Any day.

Big Girl Panties and Emergency Contact

I wore my big girl panties to the doctor yesterday. With my own big girl insurance. And then came the paperwork. You know, where it asks are your married? Who is responsible for this person?   Who do we call in an emergency? And my sick sorry self cried in the waiting room. I am sick. Not like going to die any minute sick but flipping sick none the less and whom should they call in an emergency? I want to call him. I want him to give a shit. But he doesn't. Hasn't in years. Did he ever?And yet I still mourn him. Someday my big girl panties will stay on. And I won't give a shit about him. Awwww who am I kidding. Shit.

Clean Conscience and best damn weekend

I kissed a MAN and I liked it. Damn it. I liked it. And even better???? HE SOOOO LIKED IT!! The problem with fucktard was not me.  I am beautiful. I have got mad skills. And tasting the side of life  he has been living in-no pun intended 😜 , the problem with 'US????' Was never me. Never. I saw my superpowers this weekend.

Actually, I saw someone else's too. There is a whole  new world out there. He checked out as a piece of shit cheater a long time ago. Now I get a look. Free. With a clean damn conscience. And it is f-ing phenomenal. Always thought the issue was me. He made me believe that. He made me think I was disgusting. He made me think I was not sexy at all. He made me feel less than. That I was not enough.

 Oh the fun I had this weekend. I am beautiful. And I have mad skills. And when someone can't even breathe because they think I am so beautiful? Well I know then, the issue was NEVER me. And with a clean conscience, I had the best damn weekend.

DMV and knees knocking

Sitting in DMV trying to figure out how I register my car in just my name and realizing how ill-prepared I am for life on my own. He called yesterday-of course only about money.  He wants to work money out on our own so attorneys cost less. If he were the person I used to know, I would believe him and agree. But of course he is not that person anymore. It's kind of funny-I am not sure he could hurt me more so what is he hiding?  He is so cold and detached-really a long way from caring about me. Like years from caring about me in any real, true way. So why did he let me think he was wanting to work on this? It really just is so cruel. I could be so much further along than I am. Way less damaged than I am. Why purposefully keep me hanging on? Why purposely inflict more heartache on me?  What caused him to hate me that much? And how the hell did he die and I miss it? So here I sit in DMV in the middle of all these total strangers, trying to hide my trembling. I am a strong woman. Is any woman or man is strong enough for this ride? I want off. Pleaee let me off this ride.

Christmas 2015

Christmas. It has passed and I am still breathing. Thank God. Waking up Christmas Eve,  I really didn't think I was going to survive it. But I did.

I spent it alone. Which, by the way, I have done a lot over the past few years. But this year, I wasn't worried about poor fucktard, all alone and sad on Christmas. I doubt he was alone-back then or now. I doubt he gave me a second thought-back then or now. That says tons about him and nothing about me. I wasn't under the weight of his never ending lies this year. I slept most of the day. Binge watched Homeland and nursed a cold.

And I didn't cry one time. Didn't squirt a single tear. I slept-like a dang baby, snuggled up with my dog and my fake fireplace.

And I survived.

Next year, maybe I will more than survive. I hope so....

Fresh Meat

Men suck. They are just animals who only look after themselves and eat their dang young for breakfast. I have a scent. The scent of fresh meat at the market place. It is disgusting. How do men know you are a wounded dang animal? I used to say I was a freak magnet. If there was a Chester near by, he would find me. Now I know I am a dang freak magnet and have been my whole damn life even when I believed love and goodness and forever was possible. It was a damn lie.

I work with the public. In one day, I had three different men STRONGLY come on to me.

Man #1, my gay friend. Claiming he would go straight if I would give him a chance. Um, NO!

Man #2 going thru his second divorce asked my coworker for my name, stood in line to talk to me, held up the line trying to get my number, which DUH is not available to anyone, only to give me his when he left.

Man #3 super cute, sexy accent , MARRIED regular customer in the parking lot when I went to lunch. Wanted to hug me, tried to stick his tongue down my throat and get me into his car. Oh my imaginary friend, if you were real and knew me, you would know how this effected me. Haven't slept well in days. As if I weren't already a hot damn mess.

Freak magnet. What does fresh meat smell like? And how do I wash the scent away???

I hate my life. And I hate fucktard for destroying my last bit of belief that there was any good in this world. I used to say he blamed me for everything-even bad weather. Now I blame him. I lived a sheltered life, totally believing in him and us and love and goodness and forever and NOW I am alone, unprotected in the dang lion's den, he is free of the weight of boring old me, and I am alone, and honestly PISSED off!

Happily ever single doesn't sound as scary as it used to. Life in this world however? Scary as hell. Men suck.

Sick Day

I took a sick day from work. Haven't used a single sick day in a year. Took one today....to find an f-ing lawyer so I could end my f-ing life.  I am sad beyond words. Beyond words. I cannot go on. I don't know how. I love him. I hate who he has become. I can't breathe. I can't eat. I don't want to breathe. I don't want to eat. I sound suicidal. I honestly am not.  I am just so heartbroken.

The same day I was served divorce papers, I got mail from the court saying he had pushed this off, filed a motion saying he wanted this moved to the inactive, dead, dormant file. You know-not really wanting to do this, really actually love my wife but don't know how to fix this file. Well in his next breath, he went forward. Threw me away like trash. Trash.....and I am so heartbroken I cannot breathe. So I write to you....my imaginary friend, who won't judge, or walk away because MY opinion on my life is contrary to what you think I should feel, do, say.

And I am heartbroken. And I don't know how to keep breathing. And my everything? Well he threw me away like trash.

So I took a sick day today. My first. In over a year. Because I cannot function. I want to go to bed and never wake up. My best friend, my better half, my person....my only person.....threw me away.

money and other complications

I need new bras. And new face stuff.

 But I was served papers yesterday that said we were irretrievably broken and couldn't buy or spend extravagantly on anything until this is finished-which can be done rather quickly. And oh so easily. 30 years of my life, with someone I loved and would have done anything for, and fought until the death for, can be finished in 90 days.

Ironically, do you know what 90 days from the day I was served is?? My 29th wedding anniversary.
90 days is all it takes to end my life, my happily ever after, my until death do us part.

And the only conversation we have had since I knew I was being served? He said all I seemed to be worried about is money. And he couldn't have been colder. Money? Really? Did he ever know me? Did he ever really exist? But I need new bras. And those cost money. And shoot me before I ask him for money. Money is what is on his mind.

Mine? That cute old couple eating ice cream, that will never be us. Loving me, holding me when I am sad, or happy, or scared, or mad, or...just because he loves to be touching me. That will never be me again. Kicking his butt fishing, nope not me. Laughing at stupid inappropriate things that only the two of us understand? Nope. Not me? Holidays. Ya never again.. Or hitting the snooze button and then rolling over until the next snooze just to hit it again? Nope. Not me. Ever again. Him putting his forehead to my forehead to ease his stress while he melts my heart? Nope. My best friend, the only person on the planet who gets (should I say got) me, the only place I have ever belonged, the one person I want to talk to on a bad day, a good day, on a regular day.  No. Never again. That is what is on my mind.

Fear of living under the freeway because I cannot support myself? Yes. That is me BUT no, honestly, I would give anything, ANYTHING, to not need his stupid money. But I need freaking bras and face stuff. And I gave my everything to him.

 I really may not survive this...really I don't think what is left of me can face the future. And no. Money has nothing to do with it.

The End

Irretrievably broken. That's what the paperwork says. Irretrievably broken.

I pray dear God,  I am not. But today, not so sure. Thought about writing an obituary for who I used to be, who he used to be. Sadly, those people are dead. I didn't get the honor of holding his hand, stroking his face, when he died. I am not exactly sure when it happened. I was robbed of that privilege. That closure. I was robbed of so much. Robbed. I have clung to life, always polly friggin Anna. Today, I died.  Except not dead enough because this is fucking unbearable.

And now I fear I am irretrievably broken. Forever.

And he is free. Of me. Which is what he has been striving for...for at least the last 8 years. Well not him. The man I love died. I just don't know when. Nor did I have the privilege of singing Amazing Grace to him as he passed. But he, whoever took my love's place, is free. Something I will never be.

And I am irretrievably broken. Like the paperwork says.

Copy and paste blog....thanks rh

Considering the Other Side

APRIL 15, 2015 ~ 15GEN

I remember shortly after D-day I was having a meltdown and my husband was trying to comfort me.  In the midst of his attempt he said “I’m struggling with this too.”

Looking back I can see he meant it as a “we’re in this together” statement.

But, at the time I remember thinking “maybe you are, but the difference is this is a self-inflicted wound for you.  Surely, that isn’t near as painful as being “shot” by the person you trusted most.  And by the way, don’t expect me to feel sorry for you.”

Now, just to clarify, I don’t believe he has ever expected me to feel sorry for him.

Anyway, for some reason I found myself thinking back on this today.  And I found myself wondering – is his self-inflicted wound just as painful for him as my “innocent bystander” wound is for me?

Maybe I have more clarity today…or maybe I’m going crazy today, but I’m actually considering the possibility of his self-inflicted wound being worse (at least to a degree).  I’m not trying to make light of our pain as BS’s – please hear me on this.  I know we are struggling daily.  I know we hurt daily.  But, consider for a moment the other side.  Consider doing something you KNOW is wrong, but for a season of time do it anyway because now your selfish desires are all that matter.  In a sense they have taken over.  Then the guilt begins to eat away, the walls to the fantasy life begin to crumble and at the same time the walls to real life begin to crumble.  You’re stuck in between two crumbling worlds.  And the kicker is you know you did this.  You know you’re the reason.  What is wrong with you that you can’t make either world function?  And yet you also know you could have prevented this mess that is now your life.  Yet, your selfish desires were all that mattered.  Then the devastation takes hold of your spouse and all you can do is watch – knowing again, you caused this.

I don’t pretend to know the mind of a WS…or even of a former WS, but I can’t help but think that for those who are trying to rebuild their marriages perhaps the self-inflicted wound is just as difficult (if not more so) to heal from.  Perhaps they see the many times they could have said “no” replay in their minds.  Perhaps the thoughts of “I could have prevented this if only…..” invade their minds as quickly and as often as the triggers invade ours.

Is that their “punishment”?  Is that the justice for their sins against us?  I don’t know.  And again, I’m not making light of our pain because I know we are all struggling deeply, but for some reason I find myself considering the pain of the other side today.

~RH

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Katy Whorry

Did anyone see the Grammy's last night on TV?? Katy Perry (or Katy Whorry as my sister calls her) sang the most touching song called 'by the grace of God'. It was a tribute to women who have suffered from domestic abuse. Does infidelity count as domestic abuse!? This song was beautiful and spoke words I could speak myself....if only I had written them down sooner and sold them to a songwriter who sold them to Katy Perry. Dang it....anyway....I haven't been physically or verbally abused by this man.  But I have been beat to the ground....deep, deep, hell depth ground....and by the grace of God, I am still breathing....still breathing, which means there is hope....because I am not dead. I. Am. Not. Dead. By the grace of God....

P.s. Adultery should count as domestic abuse. It really should. Just saying.

New Ear

Met with a new counselor today.

And I left HOPEFUL!

This is a huge step for me. H.u.g.e. She is not fluff and psychobabble but straight forward and blunt and I am so thankful....and I get to work on ME.....not being a better wife, or a better mom, or a better Christian......but ME. Me, for a change. And it is not selfish.....wow....

Thankful <3

good? Ever??

I am the blow it. He is the good one. I am the one who always seems to screw things up. He is the one who makes even his worst enemy his best friend. How did we get here? I am so confused. If HE could do this, there is NO good in this world. None. He was the good one. I was the blow it.

Thanks Miss Maida

Sweet Maida...a regular customer at my job. She came in today and came to my window. After we were done with business, she handed me her change back and said God told me you need to count this back to me again so people think you are working. I laughed. She always makes me laugh. But then she got serious, tears in her eyes and embarrassed assured me she never does this but she was sure God wanted her to tell me that what I have been struggling with, worrying about, hurting over.....well He is going to take care of it. Stop worrying.

I don't remember her exact words and to be honest I don't really believe this kind of thing happens. But..,,,it could right? No one at work, much less customers, know a single thing about my life. Anyway, I appreciated the big ol God hug even if all it was, was a reminder to keep my faith in Him.

Tell me how please

One week until Christmas. One week. I think I can. I think I can said the little engine that could. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.....

He flew to see me this weekend. It was nice....and confusing. I don't know where to go from here. From his perspective, he is healing. And with actions, missing the snot out of me. From my perspective, healing stalled when he left me. Healing took a leap off the high dive into a pool without water. Healing....what does that look like?

I am stronger and more independent. A check on the positive side.

I am cynical. I am numb. I feel like I am drowning in apathy. Ummm ya check on the negative side.

Wine. Wine is my friend.   BIG check on the negative side....or positive I guess depending on your perspective.

Will I ever belong anywhere again?  Did I ever really belong in the first place?? Will I ever feel 'home' again?? Wanna know when I feel the closest to that?? When f-tard gets on a plane to see me...when he is sitting next to me for just a few hours. Wanna know when I feel most alone and afraid of my future?? When f-tard gets on a plane to see me....

How does anyone truly survive this?? Is it all fake and outward show?? Are you really, I mean really, alive inside and capable of joy, love....trust??? Tell me please. Is it possible??

unapologetically me....

Dear friends and family,

I know you are sick of hearing my sadness. I'm sick of my sadness. It's way more fun to laugh and be joyful. Way. More. Fun. I did not choose this life. The most important person in my life walked out and I have survived so if you feel the need to go too.....well go.

I cannot fake happiness. I cannot pretend to be in the Christmas spirit. I am not Eyeore, crying woe is me. My life looks nothing like I imagined it ever would. And it IS sad and awful and heartbreaking, and, and, and.....

In this season of family, mine is destroyed. In this season of memories, mine are all tainted. In this season, I am sadder than I was just a month ago.The jury is still out on whether or not I will ever be happy again. So ho,ho, ho....if you need to go. Go. Just don't  stay and expect me to fake it for you. Fake is a lie. Yup, had enough lies and I won't do it.

Just know, I am trying. Praying. Trusting God for each breath. Doing my best to see all the blessings He has given me. And you are one of them. I am trying. I am surviving. I am growing stronger. But I will never be the same.  Never. And yes, I am just sad.

I hope you don't have to go. But I understand you may need to. It's okay.

Ella

La Crema for lunch......on Sunday.

I went to church with my sister today.

Then I drank a bottle of wine for lunch. 

How awful am I? 

Too much to drink on a Sunday afternoon.

I suck.

Hugely.

But I cannot cope with my life.

 I miss my husband.

I miss my best friend.

 I miss my the father of my babies. 

I miss him.

I cannot breathe today.

Damn it....

I miss him so much I cannot breathe today. 

 La crema for lunch.

And I am an awful person. 

Damn it. I miss him.

Thus. La Crema for lunch.....after church

I AM AWFUL...

Tomorrow, Shmomorrow

So I just realized something. I am living the same life I have lived the past few years, only without the lie in my head that I am loved and happily married. I can't live this way anymore. ...eating up the crumbs from his table, believing every tiny morsel of hope yet ignoring the elephant of neglect.

What does this mean?

Do I want a divorce?? No. I cannot say that.

Do I want to move back in with him? No and no again. Will not do that either.

So what does this mean?

I do not know.  I am just praying....a lot. And though I have no idea what God is doing in his heart, I do see the changes in my own. And honestly, I don't know how I feel about those changes.

Would I be better off without him, even though I made a covenant promise to God for forever? Yet God says he broke that promise and in God's love for me, I can divorce him.

Am I doubting that God can restore anything-no matter how broken??

No. I KNOW that God can restore this marriage to what HE intended all along and I really think He wants to.

All that said, He also gave my husband free will and maybe He is protecting me, sheltering me, loving me BY ending this marriage??

Confused.

So today, I will worry about today. It has enough of its own stinking worries.

Can I get an amen? ...and some help actually doing that please??