money and other complications

I need new bras. And new face stuff.

 But I was served papers yesterday that said we were irretrievably broken and couldn't buy or spend extravagantly on anything until this is finished-which can be done rather quickly. And oh so easily. 30 years of my life, with someone I loved and would have done anything for, and fought until the death for, can be finished in 90 days.

Ironically, do you know what 90 days from the day I was served is?? My 29th wedding anniversary.
90 days is all it takes to end my life, my happily ever after, my until death do us part.

And the only conversation we have had since I knew I was being served? He said all I seemed to be worried about is money. And he couldn't have been colder. Money? Really? Did he ever know me? Did he ever really exist? But I need new bras. And those cost money. And shoot me before I ask him for money. Money is what is on his mind.

Mine? That cute old couple eating ice cream, that will never be us. Loving me, holding me when I am sad, or happy, or scared, or mad, or...just because he loves to be touching me. That will never be me again. Kicking his butt fishing, nope not me. Laughing at stupid inappropriate things that only the two of us understand? Nope. Not me? Holidays. Ya never again.. Or hitting the snooze button and then rolling over until the next snooze just to hit it again? Nope. Not me. Ever again. Him putting his forehead to my forehead to ease his stress while he melts my heart? Nope. My best friend, the only person on the planet who gets (should I say got) me, the only place I have ever belonged, the one person I want to talk to on a bad day, a good day, on a regular day.  No. Never again. That is what is on my mind.

Fear of living under the freeway because I cannot support myself? Yes. That is me BUT no, honestly, I would give anything, ANYTHING, to not need his stupid money. But I need freaking bras and face stuff. And I gave my everything to him.

 I really may not survive this...really I don't think what is left of me can face the future. And no. Money has nothing to do with it.