New Ear

Met with a new counselor today.

And I left HOPEFUL!

This is a huge step for me. H.u.g.e. She is not fluff and psychobabble but straight forward and blunt and I am so thankful....and I get to work on ME.....not being a better wife, or a better mom, or a better Christian......but ME. Me, for a change. And it is not selfish.....wow....

Thankful <3

good? Ever??

I am the blow it. He is the good one. I am the one who always seems to screw things up. He is the one who makes even his worst enemy his best friend. How did we get here? I am so confused. If HE could do this, there is NO good in this world. None. He was the good one. I was the blow it.

Thanks Miss Maida

Sweet Maida...a regular customer at my job. She came in today and came to my window. After we were done with business, she handed me her change back and said God told me you need to count this back to me again so people think you are working. I laughed. She always makes me laugh. But then she got serious, tears in her eyes and embarrassed assured me she never does this but she was sure God wanted her to tell me that what I have been struggling with, worrying about, hurting over.....well He is going to take care of it. Stop worrying.

I don't remember her exact words and to be honest I don't really believe this kind of thing happens. But..,,,it could right? No one at work, much less customers, know a single thing about my life. Anyway, I appreciated the big ol God hug even if all it was, was a reminder to keep my faith in Him.

Tell me how please

One week until Christmas. One week. I think I can. I think I can said the little engine that could. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.....

He flew to see me this weekend. It was nice....and confusing. I don't know where to go from here. From his perspective, he is healing. And with actions, missing the snot out of me. From my perspective, healing stalled when he left me. Healing took a leap off the high dive into a pool without water. Healing....what does that look like?

I am stronger and more independent. A check on the positive side.

I am cynical. I am numb. I feel like I am drowning in apathy. Ummm ya check on the negative side.

Wine. Wine is my friend.   BIG check on the negative side....or positive I guess depending on your perspective.

Will I ever belong anywhere again?  Did I ever really belong in the first place?? Will I ever feel 'home' again?? Wanna know when I feel the closest to that?? When f-tard gets on a plane to see me...when he is sitting next to me for just a few hours. Wanna know when I feel most alone and afraid of my future?? When f-tard gets on a plane to see me....

How does anyone truly survive this?? Is it all fake and outward show?? Are you really, I mean really, alive inside and capable of joy, love....trust??? Tell me please. Is it possible??

unapologetically me....

Dear friends and family,

I know you are sick of hearing my sadness. I'm sick of my sadness. It's way more fun to laugh and be joyful. Way. More. Fun. I did not choose this life. The most important person in my life walked out and I have survived so if you feel the need to go too.....well go.

I cannot fake happiness. I cannot pretend to be in the Christmas spirit. I am not Eyeore, crying woe is me. My life looks nothing like I imagined it ever would. And it IS sad and awful and heartbreaking, and, and, and.....

In this season of family, mine is destroyed. In this season of memories, mine are all tainted. In this season, I am sadder than I was just a month ago.The jury is still out on whether or not I will ever be happy again. So ho,ho, ho....if you need to go. Go. Just don't  stay and expect me to fake it for you. Fake is a lie. Yup, had enough lies and I won't do it.

Just know, I am trying. Praying. Trusting God for each breath. Doing my best to see all the blessings He has given me. And you are one of them. I am trying. I am surviving. I am growing stronger. But I will never be the same.  Never. And yes, I am just sad.

I hope you don't have to go. But I understand you may need to. It's okay.

Ella

La Crema for lunch......on Sunday.

I went to church with my sister today.

Then I drank a bottle of wine for lunch. 

How awful am I? 

Too much to drink on a Sunday afternoon.

I suck.

Hugely.

But I cannot cope with my life.

 I miss my husband.

I miss my best friend.

 I miss my the father of my babies. 

I miss him.

I cannot breathe today.

Damn it....

I miss him so much I cannot breathe today. 

 La crema for lunch.

And I am an awful person. 

Damn it. I miss him.

Thus. La Crema for lunch.....after church

I AM AWFUL...

Tomorrow, Shmomorrow

So I just realized something. I am living the same life I have lived the past few years, only without the lie in my head that I am loved and happily married. I can't live this way anymore. ...eating up the crumbs from his table, believing every tiny morsel of hope yet ignoring the elephant of neglect.

What does this mean?

Do I want a divorce?? No. I cannot say that.

Do I want to move back in with him? No and no again. Will not do that either.

So what does this mean?

I do not know.  I am just praying....a lot. And though I have no idea what God is doing in his heart, I do see the changes in my own. And honestly, I don't know how I feel about those changes.

Would I be better off without him, even though I made a covenant promise to God for forever? Yet God says he broke that promise and in God's love for me, I can divorce him.

Am I doubting that God can restore anything-no matter how broken??

No. I KNOW that God can restore this marriage to what HE intended all along and I really think He wants to.

All that said, He also gave my husband free will and maybe He is protecting me, sheltering me, loving me BY ending this marriage??

Confused.

So today, I will worry about today. It has enough of its own stinking worries.

Can I get an amen? ...and some help actually doing that please??