With ice...

Sooooooo I am a week and a half away from the antiversary. I am 4 days away from my birthday. I don't have to work  for the next 4 days. Hence.......I am drunk. Well maybe not drunk....tipsy and I have to pee. Costco grapefruit margarita tonight. Alone....pathetic. I am so filled with hate and....conviction to forgive. I don't want to. I want to hurt her but realize I can never ever ever hurt her a fraction of how much her actions contributed to my hurt. I don't want to hate her anymore. She is gum on the bottom of my shoe. She was just a symptom of a broken man, if not her it would have been someone else.she was just a cum bucket, an escape for a weak man who couldn't face reality. Yet a year later, when her name pops up as following me on Pintrest, I lose it. Why? Why would she still be stalking me?? What does she hope to see? I need to be free of this hate. It is eating me alive and doing NOTHING to her. And so tonight I drink....too much. And hate my life. And am sad. And cussing.
Antiversary wish? Forget she exists. Forget this date. Not hurt anymore. Or geez, less than almost all the time.....
Birthday wish?? Be happy again. Have a life again. Not be pathetic anymore.....dang which wish to choose......I choose costco grapefruit margarita. With ice.

I miss him.

I want to call him. I want to knock on his door. I want to tell him how much I love him, how much I miss him and our life. We really were good. Really. And I miss him and I love him and I REFUSE TO LET HIM SEE IT. so I pathetically tell you. Whoever you are. I miss him....

Just a side note.

I am a Christian. I believe whole heartedly in Jesus and His dying and being resurrected and saving my sorry self from hell. I really do. In the past year since DDAy, I have started to cuss like a sailor. I'm not proud of it. But it is something I do. Too much. I am sorry if those two facts together offend you. Really. I know I shouldn't use the language I do these days. It honestly feels therapeutic to me. And I am all about therapeutic. And to be honest, there are just not better words to describe life right now. When I say them, they are not empty.....if that counts for anything. I will try to work on it and praise Jesus (really) for covering this sin for me. Please show me the same grace. And don't be offended. I'm trying to heal. Really....

What do you call her??

So I read blogs everyday. I definitely have my favorites but discovering new ones all the time. Recently on marriagerecoveryblog, a conversation was had about what to call the affair partner, the other woman, etc.  Both of these seem so civilized and acceptable. Mmmmmm fucking someone's husband, destroying a family, being just a cunt who shouldn't breathe air is not civilized...so there were different offerings of names for her. I found GREAT comic relief in this exercise.  Let me just name a few for you.....mine has been FUSTC (pronounced fus-tee-see) which means fucking ugly stanky cunt. Some others were bit on the side, pig shit, skank, skunked, dirtbag, whore, CUNT (post DDay when I had her cell number, I made that her name in my phone book-but it didn't describe her well enough...hence FUSTC), pit faced whore (saying this one kinda makes me smile-gotta admit), ever ready jenny (sadly this one fits her as well, I will never like or be friends with anyone named Jenn-with two N's don't forget orJennifer in my lifetime). Well today someone posted their favorites and they have made me smile uncontrollably and actually guffaw.

Are you ready?

Are you sure?


Cum dumpster or sperm whale. Bwahahahahahaha I tear up laughing as I type. Wait. No crying. This is funny. Fucking funny. Dammit. I hate my life.

What do you call her??

Where am I??

My first week of work is over. It was good. I am flipping tired but it was really good. What do I call my husband? Douche bag? Asswipe? Fucktard? Ugggg my dang love..... Anyway, me and what's his name have had great conversations this week. He has been my biggest cheerleader. He has encouraged me, checked on me, told me how proud he is of me etc etc. Well now my dang work week is over and .......I just want to cry. What if he is with IT right now? What if he is exactly the same, living the same double life and I am just the biggest fool in the world?? How will I ever know? How am I supposed to keep moving forward? Why would he keep lying when I have begged him to just let me go if that life is what he wants, begged him to never ever pull this crap again...and the trouble is (is it trouble?) when I talk to him, I wholeheartedly believe he has repented and turned from that life and is sick about that life and those choices, and then.......I doubt. Because my mind is not occupied elsewhere. Is this going to be my life forever? Limbo? Heartbreak? Fear? I used to KNOW he loved me. That I was the only person he would ever love. That I without ever thinking about it could trust him with my life. Now......I don't know where I go. Hopefully not bat shit crazy. I want my life back. I miss my life. I miss my husband.  I miss my dang best friend. I miss my innocence and naïveté. I miss my family.  I miss me, whoever the hell that was, because she is MIA forever I fear. I miss laughing. I miss French kissing. I miss the smell of his chest. I vomit at the fact that IT knows that smell and either misses it too or is still smelling it! I miss having him to talk to about everything. I can't talk to him about all this crap-at least not to the extent I need to. He is half of me. I am the other half and I think a part of me has literally died and the part that's left just hurts. Crap. Crap. Crap.  I hate this. I hate it.

Go me!

Soooooo I started my new job today. My first REAL job in 25 years. And I killed it. And that was REALLY good for me.  And.......he was proud of me. Dang it.....

Pat, pat, pat.

I am a mess. If there is a single person out there who ever reads my rantings knows I am a mess. In the middle of my heartache though, I see growth happening. I made plans for my birthday APART from him. I will NOT sit around waiting, hoping to be a priority in his life anymore. That is the pathetic me, waiting for crumbs from him. I am healing away from that person. No one to pat me on the back. I will pat myself on the back. Good job Ella. Good job.