Today I am not suffocating.

It's a new day. It's a new day. It's a new day. Some days the pain of all of this suffocates me, puts me in a ball of mess on the floor, keeps me from brushing my teeth. Been there all week (did manage to brush my teeth everyday though I promise). Today I'm not suffocating. Why? Trying to figure that out. We had counseling last night. I hate counseling. I would rather rip my toenails off while getting a root canal while giving birth while getting a mammogram while eating broccoli than go to counseling. It is hard. Hard doesn't even cover it some weeks. Stinking excruciating. Pretty sure our non drinking counselors went to the nearest dive bar afterwards. BUT I'm not suffocating today. I got to talk. Someone had to listen. I NEED to talk about this. But it is getting hard for him to listen to. I don't blame him. It's hard for me to think about, obsess about, dream about. We can never escape it. He thinks me talking about it is just dragging the pain out, but today I am not suffocating. He loves me (really) and is drowning in his guilt. My sorrow makes his guilt worse. He wants nothing more than for me to heal. So we go to the torture chamber of counseling and talk. And today I am not suffocating.