Copy and paste blog....thanks rh

Considering the Other Side

APRIL 15, 2015 ~ 15GEN

I remember shortly after D-day I was having a meltdown and my husband was trying to comfort me.  In the midst of his attempt he said “I’m struggling with this too.”

Looking back I can see he meant it as a “we’re in this together” statement.

But, at the time I remember thinking “maybe you are, but the difference is this is a self-inflicted wound for you.  Surely, that isn’t near as painful as being “shot” by the person you trusted most.  And by the way, don’t expect me to feel sorry for you.”

Now, just to clarify, I don’t believe he has ever expected me to feel sorry for him.

Anyway, for some reason I found myself thinking back on this today.  And I found myself wondering – is his self-inflicted wound just as painful for him as my “innocent bystander” wound is for me?

Maybe I have more clarity today…or maybe I’m going crazy today, but I’m actually considering the possibility of his self-inflicted wound being worse (at least to a degree).  I’m not trying to make light of our pain as BS’s – please hear me on this.  I know we are struggling daily.  I know we hurt daily.  But, consider for a moment the other side.  Consider doing something you KNOW is wrong, but for a season of time do it anyway because now your selfish desires are all that matter.  In a sense they have taken over.  Then the guilt begins to eat away, the walls to the fantasy life begin to crumble and at the same time the walls to real life begin to crumble.  You’re stuck in between two crumbling worlds.  And the kicker is you know you did this.  You know you’re the reason.  What is wrong with you that you can’t make either world function?  And yet you also know you could have prevented this mess that is now your life.  Yet, your selfish desires were all that mattered.  Then the devastation takes hold of your spouse and all you can do is watch – knowing again, you caused this.

I don’t pretend to know the mind of a WS…or even of a former WS, but I can’t help but think that for those who are trying to rebuild their marriages perhaps the self-inflicted wound is just as difficult (if not more so) to heal from.  Perhaps they see the many times they could have said “no” replay in their minds.  Perhaps the thoughts of “I could have prevented this if only…..” invade their minds as quickly and as often as the triggers invade ours.

Is that their “punishment”?  Is that the justice for their sins against us?  I don’t know.  And again, I’m not making light of our pain because I know we are all struggling deeply, but for some reason I find myself considering the pain of the other side today.

~RH

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Katy Whorry

Did anyone see the Grammy's last night on TV?? Katy Perry (or Katy Whorry as my sister calls her) sang the most touching song called 'by the grace of God'. It was a tribute to women who have suffered from domestic abuse. Does infidelity count as domestic abuse!? This song was beautiful and spoke words I could speak myself....if only I had written them down sooner and sold them to a songwriter who sold them to Katy Perry. Dang it....anyway....I haven't been physically or verbally abused by this man.  But I have been beat to the ground....deep, deep, hell depth ground....and by the grace of God, I am still breathing....still breathing, which means there is hope....because I am not dead. I. Am. Not. Dead. By the grace of God....

P.s. Adultery should count as domestic abuse. It really should. Just saying.

New Ear

Met with a new counselor today.

And I left HOPEFUL!

This is a huge step for me. H.u.g.e. She is not fluff and psychobabble but straight forward and blunt and I am so thankful....and I get to work on ME.....not being a better wife, or a better mom, or a better Christian......but ME. Me, for a change. And it is not selfish.....wow....

Thankful <3

good? Ever??

I am the blow it. He is the good one. I am the one who always seems to screw things up. He is the one who makes even his worst enemy his best friend. How did we get here? I am so confused. If HE could do this, there is NO good in this world. None. He was the good one. I was the blow it.

Thanks Miss Maida

Sweet Maida...a regular customer at my job. She came in today and came to my window. After we were done with business, she handed me her change back and said God told me you need to count this back to me again so people think you are working. I laughed. She always makes me laugh. But then she got serious, tears in her eyes and embarrassed assured me she never does this but she was sure God wanted her to tell me that what I have been struggling with, worrying about, hurting over.....well He is going to take care of it. Stop worrying.

I don't remember her exact words and to be honest I don't really believe this kind of thing happens. But..,,,it could right? No one at work, much less customers, know a single thing about my life. Anyway, I appreciated the big ol God hug even if all it was, was a reminder to keep my faith in Him.

Tell me how please

One week until Christmas. One week. I think I can. I think I can said the little engine that could. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.....

He flew to see me this weekend. It was nice....and confusing. I don't know where to go from here. From his perspective, he is healing. And with actions, missing the snot out of me. From my perspective, healing stalled when he left me. Healing took a leap off the high dive into a pool without water. Healing....what does that look like?

I am stronger and more independent. A check on the positive side.

I am cynical. I am numb. I feel like I am drowning in apathy. Ummm ya check on the negative side.

Wine. Wine is my friend.   BIG check on the negative side....or positive I guess depending on your perspective.

Will I ever belong anywhere again?  Did I ever really belong in the first place?? Will I ever feel 'home' again?? Wanna know when I feel the closest to that?? When f-tard gets on a plane to see me...when he is sitting next to me for just a few hours. Wanna know when I feel most alone and afraid of my future?? When f-tard gets on a plane to see me....

How does anyone truly survive this?? Is it all fake and outward show?? Are you really, I mean really, alive inside and capable of joy, love....trust??? Tell me please. Is it possible??

unapologetically me....

Dear friends and family,

I know you are sick of hearing my sadness. I'm sick of my sadness. It's way more fun to laugh and be joyful. Way. More. Fun. I did not choose this life. The most important person in my life walked out and I have survived so if you feel the need to go too.....well go.

I cannot fake happiness. I cannot pretend to be in the Christmas spirit. I am not Eyeore, crying woe is me. My life looks nothing like I imagined it ever would. And it IS sad and awful and heartbreaking, and, and, and.....

In this season of family, mine is destroyed. In this season of memories, mine are all tainted. In this season, I am sadder than I was just a month ago.The jury is still out on whether or not I will ever be happy again. So ho,ho, ho....if you need to go. Go. Just don't  stay and expect me to fake it for you. Fake is a lie. Yup, had enough lies and I won't do it.

Just know, I am trying. Praying. Trusting God for each breath. Doing my best to see all the blessings He has given me. And you are one of them. I am trying. I am surviving. I am growing stronger. But I will never be the same.  Never. And yes, I am just sad.

I hope you don't have to go. But I understand you may need to. It's okay.

Ella