Bad time for a tattoo?

Isaiah 54:4-
"Fear not, for you will not be ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
For your Maker is your husband, The Lord of hosts is his name; and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth he is called. For The Lord has called you like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit, like a wife when she cast off, says your God....

Got my first tattoo today. Actually I got two. They tried to talk me out of them given my current situation but I love them. Got a white cross in place of my wedding ring.  Whether I ever wear one again or not, I will never blindly trust again. But God? Him I can count on on....He will never leave or forsake me, His love never fails, He is faithful even when I am faithless, He washes my pathetic sad self white as snow-no matter what I have said or not said or done or not done or if I am fat or skinny, sick or healthy, or........so as a reminder to myself FOREVER I got a tattoo.....against professional advice.

Sucker with an F

Sucker with an F brought me flowers and a Mother's Day card last night. And he dripped with shame and sorrow. And I miss him. And I love him. And I have been so hurt this past week I hadn't remembered HIM. Dang it.....

Not what you call me....

I have been reading blogs of souls sisters who are in my same shithole of a mess-many much further down the road to Plan B than I am. I am still just trying to breathe.....and realizing even one glass of wine sends me to Weepy-call up old friends to dump your pain on them-Ville. ANYWAYS, I have been writing down little nuggets of wisdom from my sisters that helped me in that moment. So here goes:
Optimism is the foundation of courage.
People with nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Trust but with healthy skepticism, believe but sometimes verify.
Good things happen slowly. And bad things happen first.
And my personal favorite: It is not what you call me....but what I answer to.

I answer to daughter of The Most High King, beautifully and wonderfully made......so call me what you want, your loss. Really.

Crazy Lady Under the Overpass

Part of this nonsense, is because 'you rely too much on me.' Funny never realized I shouldn't rely on my husband. or shouldn't trust him. or believe in him. or count on him. yep my bad. I kind of hate him today. He threw me away like garbage. again.  Today I am done. Tomorrow, or 30 seconds from now, who knows? But right now. I am done. He is sick. Something is seriously wrong, twisted in his mind. Poor him but no more poor me.  I am no longer his 'victim'. I am a survivor, thanks to God's grace. I am terrified of being that crazy homeless lady by the freeway yelling at all the people driving by. But you know what I realized tonight?  I am more terrified of life with my husband ever again. Time to stand up Ella. and when you can't-God can. Trust Him alone.

Collateral Damage

Collateral damage. What the man has done has nothing to do with me. I am just carnage left over from a sick person. I need to remember this. I had nothing to do with what he did. I cannot make him choose to heal or even stand up and be a man. I have to take care of me. Even if today that means......I showered. That's all I got....but it is progress from yesterday. Holding on to that sliver of light. I need to let go of him and worry about me. But not past the next minute. Trying to even think about further out than that sends me into panic. So for his moment, I'm trying to remember I am just collateral damage.....and he sucks.

He.left.me.

He's gone. He. Left. Me. I was willing to try to forgive and rebuild our life. And.he.left.me. Not for her or anyone else but because his guilt and shame are suffocating him. And I have wallowed for a month. And seeing my pain broke his spirit. And now the heck what? I cannot breathe. I cannot sleep.  How does a person ever heal after this?

Sinking Ship

I love this man. Captain obvious, I wouldn't be here if I didn't. But I have not been acting like it. Acting more like I need a straight jacket and padded room. I have crushed his spirit. Ya ya I know he crushed me but this shouldn't be payback. He has done everything right since D-Day. Everything. And I wallowed in my heartache. And spewed my venom all over him, instead of trying to understand he is hurting too, instead of seeing his guilt and shame crushing him, instead of remembering we need to work on this marriage not just him. I've done this to the point that he can't look at me, can't bear the pain he sees.  So today I am hurting more. So today he is feeling worse. Lost hope. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Help us get off this sinking ship, together. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus