Gotta go, I have a date.

Dating 101 according to me.

1. Master the bro hug. This is a necessity. Some really grossie joesies will go for the back of your throat on that first awkward date. If necessary, feign asleep on the drive home, ThEN the bro hug.

2. Do not fall for the lines. They all have them. And some deliver them sooooo well. But they are full of $hite. Totally. They have one goal...at least at first. Refer to point number 1.

3. Know the deal breakers for you. And don't date anyone AT ALL that is outside that perimeter. You never know who you are going to fall in loke with.... That guy who works part time and smokes pot pretty regularly BUT you have so much fun and the best.chemistry.ever.since.creation.of.chemistry? Run. Your heart is going to get broken. One way or another. Had enough of that, haven't you? I sure as heck have.

4. Have fun. Think of every date as your beginning and not your end. Don't overthink ANYTHING. Just enjoy the experience. The more first dates the better.... Really. You will learn what your are attracted to and even better what you are NOT. And let's be honest, free food and new places you would never otherwise go. Embrace that crap.

5. Figure out who YOU are. You may find you like the artistic passionate guy OR you may like that crazy type A guy. Was married my whole life to door number two. Who knew he isn't even my type? Crazy. Ding ding ding!!! Hindsight does wonders for my soul sometimes.

6. Don't be anyone you are not. If he doesn't like you, do you really want to be with him?  I am freakin awesome. Really. So hey, if he doesn't see that, no matter how freaking perfect he feels, I don't want to be anywhere near that shit. Been there. Married that.

7. Did I say enjoy that crap? Even the bad dates. Take a toilet selfie and send it to your friends. Have fun on every date. The dates I was so nervous? I ruined. They never saw ME. Drink a glass of wine while getting ready if need be. Take a deep breath and just have fun.

Lastly, you have superpowers you don't even realize you have -aside from the rack (see point #2)....you have survived hell and are still breathing, smiling again, standing taller. And I don't know about you, but after divorce I found out I am freaking beautiful. Who new?? I will tell you who. The person I end up dating forever. He will have no doubt. Oh and now, more importantly ME. I know. And no asshole will ever be able to make me feel 'less than' again. and if he does, MORE FIRST DATES yesssssss.....

Hey gurl, wha's ur #? I like you!!

It has been months since I last wrote. M.o.n.t.h.s. It feels like years. Since I last wrote, divorce was finalized, I fell in loke (past like, maybe not quite love), had sex that was earth changing. Seriously. Ya, I know-not my wisest move but....ddddaaaaammmmmnnnnn said in huge southern drawl... Woke a beast in me.

And then I got cancer.

Cancer.

And the loke of my life had too much baggage attached to that and ran for the flippin hills. Heartbreak. Wasn't ready for another loss.

And in that same season, people I love beyond words also walked out of my life. Walked away, no turning back. More loss. Gut wrenching loss...

I have lost more and more and more until a strange thing happened.....I remembered ME. And I learned-okay continually learning-to only own my crap and not theirs. That is huge. Like astronomically, infinitely, amazingly, stupendously HUGE.

I LEARNED IT IS NOT, let me repeat NOT SELFISH TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.  No matter how much everyone else tells you it is.  No one else is going to do it!!

I fought deep, suicidal, scary depression for awhile after surgery. And even though now I still feel that heartbreak everyday, I stand taller. And I might be kind of a hard hearted bitch who don't take no shit from nobody lol....

...ya not really, but I am definitely a different person than I was 6 months ago.

Totally different person.

Fucktard Hangover

So his financials finally arrived with my attorney. -Mine HAD to be in by December 1st. Go figure. No rules apply to him. And in straight up black and white, in front of me, more proof-as if I needed any-that the person I loved is dead. Dead. I wish I knew when it happened. But I don't. So I am stuck with my own stupidity, my own naive, Pollyanna damn attitude of the last decade. I am stuck with the embarrassment of having faith when I never should have. I am stuck feeling like THE. STUPIDEST. PERSON. ON. THE. PLANET. I am stuck basically with what I call a fucktard hangover. It is hanging on right now. No matter how much water I drink. No matter how many Advil I take.  The fucktard hangover is killing me. Killing. Me.

How does a person deal with 30 years of her life being a lie? Because with this new, yet soooo fucking old, information and hindsight, he may have always been this broken. And I had him on a pedestal. And he made me believe I was a piece of worthless shit. And the world believed him, and all his lies, and somehow no one saw thru any of his bullshit smorgasbord. And even now, people say 'it takes two', or 'I don't want to take sides'. Well let me just call BULLSHIT on that. It absolutely, unequivocally DOES NOT TAKE TWO, and by not taking sides-oh you have taken sides.

And I WAS a dumbass. I WAS the stupidest , most naive woman on the planet. Sadly, I AM changed forever. Forever.  But I AM still breathing, even if just barely. You know what? WAS and not AM is a fantastic place, actually. It is a strong, wonder  womanesque, start to a new life.

But damnit, this hangover. Ugggg.  Hangovers are temporary, right? And this fucktard hangover may get me down.....really down.....but it will get better. And in the end-well fucktard is still a fucktard or worse-if I even knew a better way to describe what he has become.

But me? I am still me. A changed, scarred version of me but ME nonetheless. And that is better than Advil for this hangover. Any day.

Big Girl Panties and Emergency Contact

I wore my big girl panties to the doctor yesterday. With my own big girl insurance. And then came the paperwork. You know, where it asks are your married? Who is responsible for this person?   Who do we call in an emergency? And my sick sorry self cried in the waiting room. I am sick. Not like going to die any minute sick but flipping sick none the less and whom should they call in an emergency? I want to call him. I want him to give a shit. But he doesn't. Hasn't in years. Did he ever?And yet I still mourn him. Someday my big girl panties will stay on. And I won't give a shit about him. Awwww who am I kidding. Shit.

Clean Conscience and best damn weekend

I kissed a MAN and I liked it. Damn it. I liked it. And even better???? HE SOOOO LIKED IT!! The problem with fucktard was not me.  I am beautiful. I have got mad skills. And tasting the side of life  he has been living in-no pun intended 😜 , the problem with 'US????' Was never me. Never. I saw my superpowers this weekend.

Actually, I saw someone else's too. There is a whole  new world out there. He checked out as a piece of shit cheater a long time ago. Now I get a look. Free. With a clean damn conscience. And it is f-ing phenomenal. Always thought the issue was me. He made me believe that. He made me think I was disgusting. He made me think I was not sexy at all. He made me feel less than. That I was not enough.

 Oh the fun I had this weekend. I am beautiful. And I have mad skills. And when someone can't even breathe because they think I am so beautiful? Well I know then, the issue was NEVER me. And with a clean conscience, I had the best damn weekend.

DMV and knees knocking

Sitting in DMV trying to figure out how I register my car in just my name and realizing how ill-prepared I am for life on my own. He called yesterday-of course only about money.  He wants to work money out on our own so attorneys cost less. If he were the person I used to know, I would believe him and agree. But of course he is not that person anymore. It's kind of funny-I am not sure he could hurt me more so what is he hiding?  He is so cold and detached-really a long way from caring about me. Like years from caring about me in any real, true way. So why did he let me think he was wanting to work on this? It really just is so cruel. I could be so much further along than I am. Way less damaged than I am. Why purposefully keep me hanging on? Why purposely inflict more heartache on me?  What caused him to hate me that much? And how the hell did he die and I miss it? So here I sit in DMV in the middle of all these total strangers, trying to hide my trembling. I am a strong woman. Is any woman or man is strong enough for this ride? I want off. Pleaee let me off this ride.

Christmas 2015

Christmas. It has passed and I am still breathing. Thank God. Waking up Christmas Eve,  I really didn't think I was going to survive it. But I did.

I spent it alone. Which, by the way, I have done a lot over the past few years. But this year, I wasn't worried about poor fucktard, all alone and sad on Christmas. I doubt he was alone-back then or now. I doubt he gave me a second thought-back then or now. That says tons about him and nothing about me. I wasn't under the weight of his never ending lies this year. I slept most of the day. Binge watched Homeland and nursed a cold.

And I didn't cry one time. Didn't squirt a single tear. I slept-like a dang baby, snuggled up with my dog and my fake fireplace.

And I survived.

Next year, maybe I will more than survive. I hope so....